Pam, please? I have Country Crock.

True story: I gained like 30 pounds in college, mostly because of the weekend waffle bar. I went to a Christian university and clearly Jesus saw it fit to reward me for living like a nun without beer for four years by giving our cafeteria staff the divine inspiration to set out a vat of melted butter with a ladle in it next to the waffle maker on weekends.

You guys, this setup changed my life because every time I eat a waffle, I have to pat butter into each individual square. Belgian waffles aren’t so bad because there are 20 squares, tops. But your standard waffle – with its grid of hundreds of squares – poses more of a problem. It takes me about an hour to prepare an Ego and I look like Rain Man doing it. Anyway, when I was introduced to the Butter Ladle, I overreacted a tad. Like, there was sobbing. Every Saturday and Sunday morning for four years I made myself a waffle and slathered it enough melted butter to float a small boat in.

I loved butter so hard (as hard as my poor, clogged arteries), but after a while I couldn’t ignore the fact that my ass had developed cellulite pockets as deep as the squares in my beloved Belgian waffles. So I did the inevitable and hated myself for a couple years. After that, I hit the gym and lost those 30 pounds (plus an extra 20 for good measure).

Hi, I’m Heather. It has been five years since my last ladle of butter.

Even though I don’t pour it onto my food by the cupful anymore, I do use butter occasionally for sautéeing veggies and such.  I’m totally not a food snob (I dare you to find a food I will not put Easy Cheese on), but one day I was looking at the ingredient list on the back of a butter package and one of the items was “special flavoring.” That’s as specific as it got. I’m pretty sure that is Land-o-Lakes-speak for “whatever residue is on the machine we clean once a year.” So I decided to try making my own butter … and it was so delicious. And so easy! Even I was not able to mess that shit up, and I once microwaved a Capri Sun.

Anyway, here is all you need to make your own butter: Cream and a food processor.

Just pour the cream into the food processor and churn it until it becomes thick. It took me about six minutes and I was doing it by hand:

Watching Mad Men while churning butter with the RocketChef! Just like the pioneers!

Once it’s thick, scrape it out of the processor and rinse it with water until the water runs clear.

Put the butter onto a hard surface and press on it to squeeze out any excess water. At this point you can add shit to it to make it fancy. I made two batches: One with  a clove of garlic and one with half of a chopped up jalapeno. The garlic one turned out amaaazing. We sauteed eggplant in it pretty much every night until we ran out of butter and pants that fit. Highly recommend.

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