A couple months ago we discovered this game called Plants vs. Zombies, and I swear it contains the secret to time travel. Every time we turn it on, 72 hours passes like five minutes and I crash back into time when I realize I have to get up and pee but can’t because there is a quicksand of potato chip crumbs and spilled coffee cementing me into the couch cushions. I refuse to believe I have lost entire days of my life because I actually gain satisfaction from blowing up zombies by planting exploding peppers and corn cannons. Which leaves just one option: WORMHOLE. Stephen Hawking – call me.
Even though I am kind of a wizard at keeping zombies from killing from my digital veggies, I have a huge problem with keeping plants alive IRL. My coworker recently went out of town for a few weeks and asked me to keep her desk plants alive while she was gone, and I was a basket case the entire time. My face broke out. My heart raced. I actually LOST HAIR over that shit. I had no idea how often to water them; all I knew was that every plant I’ve ever owned has gotten all withered and shriveled up, become LeAnn Rimes’ doppelganger, and died. I decided that watering twice a day would keep her plants from a similar fate. Guess what? Watering twice a day will definitely hydrate your desk plants. If by “hydrate” you mean “drown them Titanic-style.” By the time I realized the roots had pretty much disengaged and the plants were not so much planted as they were floating, it was too late.
ANYWAY my points are these: A) What are some plants I can buy that won’t die if I forget to water them for a period of time ranging from 1 day-forever, and B) EAT A SANDWICH, LEANN.