Monthly Archives: November 2011

Gum would be perfection

So, a lady thought I was trying to kidnap her child today.

At least, I think that’s what she thought as she saw her toddler following a trail of peppermint gum on the ground leading to me, hunched over like the creepy witch in Hansel and Gretel. It’s kind of hilarious to me that anyone would think I would want to steal their child, since I’d rather get a habeñero extract enema than take care of a toddler*, but whatever. I guess this lady didn’t have a copy of my current toddler/enema cost benefit analysis fact sheet, so I shouldn’t blame her.

What happened is, a few weeks ago I bought a couple of those Big-E-Paks of peppermint Eclipse on account of my three-cups-of-coffee morning routine makes my breath smell like rotting corpse anus and I was going through packs of gum like there was no tomorrow. I put the tubs o’gum in my purse as I walked out of the store and, naturally, by the next morning the tops had both popped open and sent 400 pieces of gum swirling down into the depths of my purse. Instead of corralling the loose gum like a normal person, I decided it would be way easier to leave it there and just ram my hand down into the bottom of my purse whenever I want a piece of gum. Upside: Spares me the clearly enormous hassle of opening the container and shaking out a piece. Downside: The looks people give you when you reach your hand into your purse, grab a mysterious, unwrapped object and pop it into your mouth.

Contributing to this deliciously white-trash ritual is my wallet, which refuses to stay shut on account of it is stuffed with all the money I make at my incredibly high-paying job, and also, the clasp is broken. Which means that gum often becomes wedged inside my wallet so that when I pull it out and open it, a ton of pieces shower to the floor – kind of like a Skittles commercial, if Skittles changed its slogan from “Taste the rainbow” to “Taste the dirty underbelly of a musty purse.” Usually I try and pass it off like it’s totally normal to leave behind a magical trail of sweets, and I was employing that method in line at the store yesterday when a toddler crawling on the ground by his mom’s feet spotted my treasure trove of gum and made a beeline toward me. I’m not a total monster, so my first instinct was to bend down to make sure he didn’t put any of it in his mouth. I can only imagine his mom’s surprise when she turned around to see me lording over the gum trailhead, reaching out toward her child. She literally ran over to where I was standing and snatched him up while giving me a super dirty look, like a person with GUM RAINING FROM HER PURSE would have the stealth skills required to kidnap a child.

If you were wondering, this story doesn’t have a point, except that I’d rather be telling it than calling back a lady who wants me to write a news article about how she’s Dog the Bounty Hunter’s secret daughter. Oh, my life.

*Except my cute little nephew, who I am delighted to take care any time he is not pooping or screaming.

I’m the hooooliday armadillo!

Remember the glorious days not all that long ago when Justin Bieber’s voice was confined to assaulting the inside of his mom’s uterus and not our eardrums? I opened iTunes the other day to look for some good running music and was met with the invitation to purchase “Under the Mistletoe!” – the new musical turd Bieber has laid just in time for the holidays. Of course I had to hear for myself just how terrible it is, so I clicked on his version of everyone’s favorite dose of aural ipecac, “Little Drummer Boy” (featuring Busta Rhymes, because of course it does), and OH MY GOD, YOU GUYS. The song sucks anyway, so it really is remarkable that he was able to make me hate it even more. I had to do some serious soul-searching to be able to even bring myself to Google the lyrics to this song, but I did and here are some of my favorite parts:

At the table with the family, havin dinner,
Blackberry on our hip and then it gave a little flicker.
Then I took a look to see before it activates the ringer; Came to realize my homie Bieber hit me on the Twitter.
Then I hit him back despite I had some food up on my finger.

*A billion pa rum pa pum pums and semi-intelligible Busta-gruntings*

It’s crazy how some people say, say they don’t care,
When there’s people on the street with no food; it’s not fair….
It’s about time for you to give to charity.

I love that he and Busta rap us a cozy little scene of them texting about the importance of charity on their smartphones while surrounded by so much food it is literally sticking to their fingers. “Hey Justin, maybe we should donate some of our billions of dollars to starving homeless people this Christmas!” “Naw dude, let’s just tell OTHER people they should be generous in a song that makes us millions more dollars!” “The homeless street people are going to LOVE us when they open iTunes on their laptops and hear this shit!”

Despite Justin’s best effort to ruin my iTunes experience, I ended up buying several songs that are excellent to run to, including Rihanna’s “We Found Love,” OK Go’s “You’re so damn hot” and “Get over it,” and “Man Up” by The Blue Van (holy shit is this song awesome). Do you have favorite workout songs? Please tell me what they are because I’m going to be spending a lot of time on the treadmill now that the White Fudge Oreos have hit the shelves for the winter.