Monthly Archives: March 2012

Wherein I offend Kirk Cameron’s fan(s)

My boyfriend and I experienced a perfect storm of awesomeness Monday night.

This perfect storm of awesomeness occurred at Walmart, a miracle in and of itself since Walmart is usually a storm of cellulite, sweaty crotch odor and screaming kids, but definitely not awesomeness. So there we were, darting around and trying our best to avoid contracting diseases from the other customers, when we stumbled across the movie “Fireproof” on sale for just $9. Moments earlier we had scored a giant bottle of Captain Morgan at half price. Jesus couldn’t have been more clear that he wanted us to make up a “Fireproof” drinking game if he had placed a burning bush right in front of us (although, judging from the looks of the people in line at the pharmacy, there were probably PLENTY of burning bushes in Walmart that night).

Quick aside: I’m totally not mocking Kirk for making a movie about his beliefs. I am mocking Kirk for making a movie about his beliefs that is SO TERRIBLE that afterward we had to cleanse our palates with Saved by the Bell, for God’s sake. Slater doing a two-minute dance routine in high-waisted, acid-washed mom jeans was more subtle than this movie. Kirk Cameron coming to your house in a Jesus costume and bitch-slapping you with a wrought iron cross would be more subtle than this movie.

We did some Googlin’ and, while we did discover a few “Fireproof” drinking games, we kept adding our own rules throughout the movie because there was just so much recurring awfulness. And because I am apparently committed to ruining Kirk Cameron’s day, and also kind of bored, I am about to provide you not only with our Official “Fireproof” Drinking Game Rules, but with a visual guide to help you on your way. I believe this is what God calls “being a cheerful giver.” Also, sorry for the crappy phone photos … did you know the DVD player on Macs won’t let you take screen grabs? True story.

ANYWAY.

Take a shot every time:

– Kirk’s porn habit is referred to without actually using the word “porn”

How many times do I have to tell you, "Even More Backdoor Action is the name of our bank's new free checking feature!"

– An awful analogy about women is made

Women are like the basics of good acting: Nobody in this movie understands them.

– A cross is shown

Nothing to see here, just casually leaning upon a cross in a field. Casually.

– A character is shown making coffee, drinking coffee or talking about making or drinking coffee

Get ready to see a lot of this coffee pot. It may be the film's best actor.

I like my coffee like I like my men: Hot, and with a splash of self-righteousness.

Fireproof: Sponsored by Jesus and Folgers

His method for looking concerned about his marriage is to think about ways to add more scenes starring his Braun.

Happy drinking, and may your liver be as fireproof as your marriage.