My boyfriend and I experienced a perfect storm of awesomeness Monday night.
This perfect storm of awesomeness occurred at Walmart, a miracle in and of itself since Walmart is usually a storm of cellulite, sweaty crotch odor and screaming kids, but definitely not awesomeness. So there we were, darting around and trying our best to avoid contracting diseases from the other customers, when we stumbled across the movie “Fireproof” on sale for just $9. Moments earlier we had scored a giant bottle of Captain Morgan at half price. Jesus couldn’t have been more clear that he wanted us to make up a “Fireproof” drinking game if he had placed a burning bush right in front of us (although, judging from the looks of the people in line at the pharmacy, there were probably PLENTY of burning bushes in Walmart that night).
Quick aside: I’m totally not mocking Kirk for making a movie about his beliefs. I am mocking Kirk for making a movie about his beliefs that is SO TERRIBLE that afterward we had to cleanse our palates with Saved by the Bell, for God’s sake. Slater doing a two-minute dance routine in high-waisted, acid-washed mom jeans was more subtle than this movie. Kirk Cameron coming to your house in a Jesus costume and bitch-slapping you with a wrought iron cross would be more subtle than this movie.
We did some Googlin’ and, while we did discover a few “Fireproof” drinking games, we kept adding our own rules throughout the movie because there was just so much recurring awfulness. And because I am apparently committed to ruining Kirk Cameron’s day, and also kind of bored, I am about to provide you not only with our Official “Fireproof” Drinking Game Rules, but with a visual guide to help you on your way. I believe this is what God calls “being a cheerful giver.” Also, sorry for the crappy phone photos … did you know the DVD player on Macs won’t let you take screen grabs? True story.
Take a shot every time:
– Kirk’s porn habit is referred to without actually using the word “porn”
– An awful analogy about women is made
– A cross is shown
– A character is shown making coffee, drinking coffee or talking about making or drinking coffee
Happy drinking, and may your liver be as fireproof as your marriage.