Why I’m not a screenwriter

A few weekends ago we saw “Transformers 3: What were you thinking, Patrick Dempsey?” on Netflix and decided to watch it. You may be asking yourself why I would do this to myself. Well, why did I once watch an entire season of “Bridalplasty” in two days? Why do some people want to have kids? If Snooki gets punched in the face in the forest, do the trees high five each other without making a sound? Some things are just a mystery, is what I’m saying.

Anyway, about 10 seconds into the movie, I knew I was going to have to find a way to pass the next two-and-a-half hours in my head. If you haven’t seen this trilogy, the following synopsis will fill you in on all seven hours of combined storyline: Hot girl, shit exploding. Seriously, that is the entire story. I would not be surprised to find out the plotlines for these movies were originally finger-painted on rock walls by cavemen and subsequently discovered by Michael Bay on a vision quest for blockbuster movie ideas deep in the wilderness outside of Los Angeles (quick, somebody make this into a movie starring Nic Cage).

To pass the time during the movie, I started imagining what non-action movies would look like if they had been directed by Michael Bay. May I present to you:

“The Sound of Music: Do-re-DIE”

Honestly, I would watch the shit out of that movie. I was routinely forced to watch “The Sound of Music” against my will as a child, and do you know what would make the scene where the head nun sings for 20 minutes about climbing every mountain more exciting? EXPLOSIONS, that’s what. Try fording those streams when they’re ON FIRE, sister.

This, in turn, got me thinking, what would have happened if Michael Bay had teamed up with Nicholas “Shakespeare” Sparks?  I’ll tell you what would have happened:

“The Notebook: Sorry, this explosion probably caused your memory loss”

Sure, I cried at the end of “The Notebook,” but only because I envied the main character’s Alzheimer’s – I’m stuck with the memory of watching this movie forever.

Finally, I like to think that when Kirk Cameron tried to prove to literally tens of moviegoers worldwide that marriage can be fireproof, Michael Bay was all, “Challenge extended,” and came up with the idea for:

“Fireproof your IP address”

I’d imagine this one would be mostly the same, except every time Kirk Cameron looks at porn, God drops an a-bomb on a third world country.

Actually, that might be true.

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