Just in case your week is going as awfully as mine is, here are some of my favorite things to watch when I’m having a hard day:
I get embarrassed at cash registers frequently, mostly because I harbor intense love for an array of low-class foods. The other day I went to the store to get the fixings for Spam and Velveeta Shells and Cheese, and I stood in front of the canned meat display for like 10 minutes trying to decide whether picking up the Spam with Bacon would be worth the risk of running into somebody I knew while carrying it to the register. I finally shamed myself into going with Spam Lite, which was probably the more embarrassing choice because while Spam with Bacon says, “I’m confident enough to buy something so obviously shitty for me,” Spam Lite says, “I like canned meat AND I think I’m fat.” Chuck Norris would buy Spam with Bacon. Who would buy Spam Lite?
I swear this has a point. Kind of. Mostly I just needed you to know that I have a habit of buying and eating embarrassing stuff, which has probably dulled my sense of shame. It is most likely why I found myself drinking vodka flavored like a cattle pasture Saturday night. Excuse me, a bison pasture.
That long green strip you see in there? That’s a piece of grass. And you know what? This stuff is actually really good. It has a slight cinnamon-y aftertaste (just like real bison grass?), and was really great mixed with orange juice. The guy at the store told us it was banned in the U.S. for a while because some ingredient in it has been known to have psychotropic effects. He also kept creepily saying it was an aphrodisiac and insisted on carrying our ONE BOTTLE of alcohol out to the car for us, a task clearly beyond two able-bodied people in their 20s with nothing else in their hands. After about the tenth time he said “aphrodisiac” I wanted to be like dude, ALL ALCOHOL is an aphrodisiac, which is why you always hear about people waking up in bed with a stranger after they have been DRINKING, not after a bitchin’ dinner of liquid cheese and Spam Lite. It’s a good thing I didn’t, since now he knows what my car looks like. Excellent.
I only ran once last week, thanks to the stomach bug/ flu/food poisoning/whatever it was that made me so violently sick last Monday that my appetite didn’t fully return until Friday. Something about seeing elk chili in reverse was enough to make all food seem unappetizing for a few days.
And now you’re feeling sick!
I ran a little over 2.5 miles on Saturday morning to kind of ease myself back into moving after a week off, and I realized that I’m really bored with my running playlist. This morning I found two iTunes gift cards in my wallet that I had forgotten about, so I decided to use one of them to purchase some new running songs. Only I have no idea what to buy. I never listen to the radio, and my iTunes library consists of whiney dudes in skinny jeans/classic rock/songs with banjo solos. Oh and like every bad 90s band in existence. Honestly, liking 90s music is kind of my friendship litmus test – basically, I don’t have space in my life for people who don’t like to sing Ace of Base at the top of their lungs after a few beers on a Friday night. I pretty much only listen to pop music when I’m working out, so I have no idea what’s out there right now. Which is why I need you to help me. I’ll tell you what I already have on my running playlist, and you tell me all the Carly Rae Ke$ha Gomez Cyrus songs I should add.
I bolded the songs that are especially great for when you feel like slowing to a walk, thumbing a ride to the nearest golden arches, and Mcworking your way through a bucket of chicken nuggets:
1. Of Monsters and Men – Little Talks
2. Matt & Kim – Good Ol’ Fashion Nightmare
3. Rihanna – We Found Love
4. OK Go – Get Over It
5. OK Go – Here it Goes Again
6. Matt & Kim – Daylight
7. All American Rejects – Gives You Hell (This song is especially inspiring if you once dated a total asshat, lost a bunch of weight since he last saw you, and are now way out of his league. Hypothetically.)
8. Journey – Don’t Stop Believin
9. The Blue Van – Man Up
10. Kreayshawn – Gucci Gucci (Best lyric? “I’ve got the swag and it’s pumpin’ out my ovaries.”)
11. Lil Wayne feat. Eminem – Drop the World
12. Glee Cast – Telephone (No need to judge me for this one, I’m doing it myself.)
13. Foreigner – Hot Blooded
14. Beck – Loser
15. OK Go – This Too Shall Pass
16. The Black Keys – Howlin’ For You
17. MGMT – Kids
Dave was kind enough to offer to make a cheesecake for my recent party (cheesecakes are kind of his specialty), and he even let me pick which kind I wanted him to make. Naturally, I chose one I had pinned a while back and knew I lacked the patience to ever make myself. The lady actually tells you to allow two days to make it. TWO DAYS. Didn’t God supposedly create light and water in two days? Good thing this lady wasn’t in charge of making the world; all we’d have is one red velvet cheesecake and like, a puddle. Actually, that might be a world I want to live in.
Here’s the original pin:
The reason it takes two days to make is because you actually bake a red velvet cake from scratch and then crumble it up into the cheesecake batter. There were a whole bunch of steps that you can read about in the recipe over at Restless Chipotle. All I know is, he was up until about midnight the night before the party making this thing, and as somebody who watched TV on the couch while he slaved away in the kitchen, I think it was worth every minute. Seriously, the best cheesecake I’ve had.
And the final product:
To sum up: Make this right now.
Not only did I wake up this morning feeling totally non-sick, I found a couple of packages on my doorstep holding the contents of a spontaneous online shopping spree that a couple of Seven and Sevens convinced me was a really good idea.
(Tangent that will make you think less of me: The only reason I ever tried a Seven and Seven is because that’s what Ryan ordered on The OC when he was trying to be all “I’m so tough because I’m from Chino and wear crusty wifebeaters” in front of the Newport socialites. Turns out, they’re delicious. And also kind of a bitch drink, since it’s pretty much just a whiskey spritzer. No wonder you got beat up all the time, RYAN.)
In the first package was this polka-dot button-up from Forever 21:
No, I don’t plan to wear it with Catwoman’s pants.
I also got a bracelet and necklace from F21 that I predict will fall apart within a month or two, but that’s also why they were $8 combined and not being sold by Cartier. I also ordered some stuff from J.Crew Factory, which I’ll feature in a later post.
This morning I was feeling uninspired, so I just piled all my Forever 21 crap onto my body:
The best part about this shirt is that the metallic dots shed little bursts of glitter every time you brush up against something. Also, if you’re thinking about ordering it: It runs a little big. I usually order a medium in Forever 21 tops, but I could have easily gone down a size. As much as I’d like to credit my recent bout with the flu for taking me down an entire shirt size in three days, I’m going to bet that this particular style just runs a bit large.
Want to know a good way to get the flu? Tell your boss you’ll pass on the free flu shot he offered you because you never get sick.
“I can’t even remember the last time I had the flu!” I told him last week. “I’ve never even had to use all of my sick days!”
I woke up Monday morning with a bit of an upset stomach, but I chalked it up to having eaten elk chili and red velvet cheesecake the night before. I went in to work despite my awful stomach ache, and managed to tough it out until around noon. Turns out, there’s really not a non-awkward way to tell your coworkers you have to go home because you just barfed in the break room.
I stopped at the store on the way home to pick up some ginger ale and chicken broth, and of course got stuck behind a 200-year-old lady who needed help writing out her check, and remembered after she got her receipt that she needed bread, so could the cashier please go get her some? My stomach was churning while all of this was going on, forcing me to form a MacGyver-style emergency puking plan involving leaping over the guy in front of me to reach the stack of re-usable grocery bags for sale. When I finally made it out of the store and to my car, I found that I couldn’t access my driver’s side door because the fossil from the line earlier had both of her passenger side doors wide open. Apparently she had decided that a crowded parking lot was as good a place as any to take a few hours to deep clean the interior of her car. After crawling in through my passenger side door, running several stop signs, and almost barfing in my neighbor’s shrubbery, I finally made it home, where I’ve been sitting like this for the last 24 hours:
My life is so glamorous.
I hosted a little get together at my apartment on Saturday, something I rarely do on account of a) having to wear real clothes on a weekend and b) a crippling anxiety that people will be bored/not like my food/notice the thin gray outline around all the objects on my coffee table because I didn’t move them when I dusted.
If you’re like me and tend to freak out about having people over, the best thing you can do for yourself AND your guests is serve booze. I like to make a big batch of a mixed drink in some sort of carafe so I don’t feel like I have to make cocktails all evening or worry about getting the right proportions of alcohol/mixers. And if you make it ahead of time, you can self-medicate for your social anxiety before everyone comes over. Don’t be like me though and find yourself not wearing pants when the first guests ring the doorbell. (I swear that story isn’t as weird as it sounds. And also I put my pants back on before opening the door.)
My mom makes really good sangria, so I had her send me the recipe. I have no idea where she got it, but it’s easy to make (and even easier to drink three glasses of without realizing it). Plus, it’s pretty:
1 1/2 cups brandy
3 bottles of red wine (cheap stuff is fine)
1 1/2 cups triple sec
3/4 cup lemon juice
1 cup frozen limeade
1 cup orange juice
1/2 cup of sugar/sweetener of choice (I used Splenda)
6 cups diet ginger ale
1 lemon, sliced
1 orange, sliced
1 lime, sliced