Want to know a good way to get the flu? Tell your boss you’ll pass on the free flu shot he offered you because you never get sick.
“I can’t even remember the last time I had the flu!” I told him last week. “I’ve never even had to use all of my sick days!”
I woke up Monday morning with a bit of an upset stomach, but I chalked it up to having eaten elk chili and red velvet cheesecake the night before. I went in to work despite my awful stomach ache, and managed to tough it out until around noon. Turns out, there’s really not a non-awkward way to tell your coworkers you have to go home because you just barfed in the break room.
I stopped at the store on the way home to pick up some ginger ale and chicken broth, and of course got stuck behind a 200-year-old lady who needed help writing out her check, and remembered after she got her receipt that she needed bread, so could the cashier please go get her some? My stomach was churning while all of this was going on, forcing me to form a MacGyver-style emergency puking plan involving leaping over the guy in front of me to reach the stack of re-usable grocery bags for sale. When I finally made it out of the store and to my car, I found that I couldn’t access my driver’s side door because the fossil from the line earlier had both of her passenger side doors wide open. Apparently she had decided that a crowded parking lot was as good a place as any to take a few hours to deep clean the interior of her car. After crawling in through my passenger side door, running several stop signs, and almost barfing in my neighbor’s shrubbery, I finally made it home, where I’ve been sitting like this for the last 24 hours:
My life is so glamorous.