Signing Day

Loan Docs

While I try to wrap my head around the fact that I’m about to be many thousands of dollars in debt, go ahead and read this rundown of my day so far and say a little “thank you” to the universe that you are not me.

6 AM: Consider hitting snooze on the alarm, then remember that in a few hours I’ll be signing my life away to the bank. Jolt awake and pop a beta blocker.

8 AM: OH MY GOD I LOST THE CASHIER’S CHECK FOR THE CLOSING COSTS WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE.

8:05 AM: Remember that I put the check in the zippered compartment of my purse so that I wouldn’t  freak out about losing it.

9 AM: Can’t focus, so I Google “first-time homeowner anxiety.” Read a few Yahoo! answer forums that popped up and wonder how people so stupid can operate computers.

9: 40 AM: Start sweating profusely. Stuff paper towels in the armholes of my dress to avoid unsightly sweat stains.

9:45 AM: Momentarily lose bowel control.

9:50 AM: Pack up my purse and leave for the notary office.

9:51 AM: Run back inside my office to throw away armpit towels.

10 AM-PRESENT: One big blur.

The good news is that I am getting an unbelievably good deal on this house. Like, when the notary saw the mortgage amount she told me to hold on for a second while she called the bank to double check the number. The bad news is that I am the queen of worst-case scenarios, so for the last month or so most of my dreams have involved me waking up in the new house to find a termite infestation. In one dream I lost my hands (no, the dream did not include whatever tragic accident resulted in my handlessness) and I was in hysterics because I couldn’t write my mortgage checks anymore. Honestly though, the scariest part about that dream was that Dream Me was the type of person who mailed her mortgage payment instead of setting up automatic debit. GET IT TOGETHER, SUBCONSCIOUS.

So yeah. After all that signing, we still won’t get the keys until next week. Hopefully Wednesday, since that is the closing date, but possibly Friday if we have to request an extension due to the title company being out of town. And if you think I am the type of person who listens when their realtor says “don’t worry, it’ll be fine,” you should probably head back over to the Yahoo! forums where you belong.

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