Holly (who blogs hilariously here) periodically hosts “finish the sentence” linkups, so I figured I’d finally stop lurking and start participating. The person with the best answers gets a $20 Target card! If you want to participate, click this button:
1. My favorite Christmas was….the year I got a Betsy Wetsy doll.
2. The worst Christmas I had…was the year I got a Betsy Wetsy doll. Watching your cousins gleefully play with their Bop Its while mopping up plastic doll piss from the carpet is NOT FUN.
3. That one gift that made me scratch my head and say, “Hmmmm” was…used earrings. “Did you sterilize this after pulling it out of your body?” is not something you should have to ask when receiving a present.
4. One year I….lit a table on fire with some rum-soaked sugar cubes while performing in a holiday dinner theater production. Just call me BURNadette Peters. I can’t believe I just typed that.
5. I think the worst gift to give is….live plants. Thanks for giving me the gift of another household chore, asshole.
6. At Christmastime I typically….have some sort of cheesy 90s Christmas music playing at all times — Mariah Carey, Home Alone Soundtrack, Amy Grant, etc.
7. Typically, family Christmas….turns me into Bill Murray in “What About Bob.” Baby steps to the liquor cabinet.
8. If I could change one thing about the Holiday season….I would mandate that the toy section of all major retailers be housed in separate buildings so I can buy my vodka and hot dogs without witnessing Vesuvius-level meltdowns about Bubble Guppies. THEY’RE CREEPY PLASTIC MERPEOPLE KIDS, GET A GRIP.
9. It is so hard to buy for….rich people. “Merry Christmas, I hope this $10 Bath and Body Works candle classes up your $5,000 coffee table.”
10. My favorite Christmas tradition is…eating a shit ton of toast for breakfast on Christmas morning, because carbs covered in butter is the greatest gift of all, amen.
11. Santa, baby, bring me a ….Hemsworth. Either one will do. (But try to get Chris first.)