Monthly Archives: January 2014

This Pipe is Going to Kill Me

Sometimes when I go about my day I start to write blog posts in my head. On Saturday morning, as I was standing on my front lawn in 18-degree weather watching a dude in a tractor tear apart our property in search of the leaky portion of our water main, I started to form a post about how it totally sucks having to spend unexpected money on house repairs, but the satisfaction of a job well done is totally worth it.

That draft is currently in the shitter, along with that uncharacteristic sliver of optimism.

Tractor

Screw those happy couples sipping coffee at their kitchen table, THIS is the photo that should be on the mortgage tab of your bank’s website.

I really did try and have a good attitude about fixing this damn pipe, even when the excavator accidentally cut through our sprinkler line (meriting nothing but a jaunty, “Whoops!”). I even held it together when we realized the leak was coming from under the planter, meaning we had to rip the whole thing apart. Finally, Dave’s dad (who helps us with home repairs all the time and is basically a saint except for his love of the Seahawks) found the cracked portion, fixed it, and we all stood around and marveled at his handiwork. He advised us to run down to the hardware store and pick up some insulation to wrap around the valve before covering it back up, so we skipped off to Ace and returned 15 minutes later to find a hole full of water.

Oh, I should also mention that I had contracted some sort of stomach bug or food poisoning the night before, which required me to sprint to the toilet every 10 minutes and re-create the Dumb and Dumber Turbo Lax scene. Somewhere around my hundredth trip I thought to myself, “It could be worse; at least our toilet is working,” and then I realized HOLY SHIT WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO TURN THE WATER OFF TO FIX THE PIPE. I have never panicked or wished for constipation so hard in my life.

ANYWAY, that hole full of water means that there is obviously another leak further up the line. From the way it’s draining into the hole it looks like it’s either coming from the shutoff valve or under the house. Under the house would be the worst case scenario, as it requires digging around in rock-hard clay by hand, hunched over, in the dark, surrounded by spiders. We’re going to try replacing the valve first, but based on my 29-year run of the worst case scenario prevailing, I’m less than optimistic that the valve is the problem. On a happy note, the Olympics are only 17 days away! Yay hot athletes in tight ski pants!

Updates

1. We have determined that our water main is, in fact, leaking. The good news is that it’s made of PVC and not copper, which apparently makes it much easier to fix. The bad news is that I am physically incapable of not imagining the worst case scenario in every situation, so when the people come over tomorrow morning to dig it out I’m fully expecting them to discover that the entire thing needs to be replaced, or, like, unearth a tunnel containing the underground nest of a mutant serial killer plotting to sneak in through our vents.

I may have stolen that one from The X-Files.

Source Obligatory hot Mulder gif

Source
Obligatory hot Mulder gif

2. I’ve been much better about keeping up with the Jillian in January Challenge this week. The last two nights I’ve done the 30 Day Shred, and I forgot how annoying it is when Jillian says, “give me two more” and then waits five more reps to start counting to two. Also, squat thrusts are the worst, not only because they hurt but because it sounds like something that should be happening on a toilet after eating a Nacho Cheese Chalupa.

Via Instagram

Via Instagram
Check out my bulging bicep! (Note: This requires closing your eyes and imagining that there is a bulging bicep in this picture.)

3. Dave brought home a 12-pack from Kona Brewing Company last night and I DID NOT EVEN DRINK ONE, on account of I’m still trying to cut out weeknight drinking.

Source My brain, Monday-Thursday. (Yes, I count Friday as the weekend.)

Source
My brain, Monday-Thursday. (Yes, I count Friday as the weekend.)

Have a good weekend!

Things Stressing Me Out Today

1. There is a growing puddle of water on our front lawn. We got some rain last week so at first I figured it was from that, but it’s been getting bigger every day and it’s not raining anymore. Dave thinks there may be a crack in our water main. I do not even want to know how much this will cost to fix, so I’ve been dealing with it the same way I deal with everything house-related:  burying it deep down inside. It’ll probably take 10 years off my life, but at least I don’t cry at work.

Source Me, for the last four days.

Source
Me, every day since we signed the closing papers.

2. My sister is having a baby any day now, and I can’t afford a plane ticket to go meet my new nephew because I’m spending all my money on plumbing. If anyone reading this is thinking about buying a house, take my advice and RENT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. Or buy a house without running water, Ingalls family-style.

3. CHEESEPOCALYPSE

My favorite thing to do when I’m stressed is look at adoptable animals on Petfinder. Currently I’m trying to convince Dave that we need this little guy. But then I start to think about dog hair and dog poop and our presently un-chewed furniture and I think maybe we should stick to small animals. Like rabbits! Or a ferret! I have problems.

I Slept Last Night!

A couple of you suggested that a good cardio workout might cure my recent sleeping issues, so I went for a run last night and it totally worked – I slept like a baby. Only not really, because I didn’t shit myself or wake up and cry every two hours. That saying is really dumb.

The bad news is that I barely made it three miles, and I was huffing and puffing after about five minutes. Meanwhile, the guy on the treadmill next to me had the incline cranked up as high as it would go and was wearing a weighted vest. A WEIGHTED VEST. WHO DOES THAT? (At first I was kind of afraid it was a bomb, and after two miles I was PRAYING it was a bomb and that he would hurry up and detonate it.) Oh, and he was still running faster than me. I think I need to take up a new sport.

In other news, DSW is offering 500 bonus points with any purchase of athletic shoes through the end of the day. I wouldn’t recommend buying running shoes without trying them on first, but if you know what you want (and you’re a DSW member, which all shoe lovers should be), I’d recommend hopping on over there and taking advantage. I’m partial to ASICS, and since I’ve put close to 400 miles on my current pair I’m thinking it may be time to replace them in order to prevent foot pain. And then use my bonus points to put toward these, which will most likely cause foot pain. Shoe logic = the best kind of logic.

Jillian in January: Week 3 Update (Is it an ‘Update’ if You’re Not Doing Anything?)

You guys, I am doing so terribly on this Jillian in January Challenge. I started off strong, but then last week I got sick and only worked out once. My symptoms finally started to go away on Friday, and my body was all, “Oh, feeling better? I’ll see your normal temperature and lack of body aches and raise you RANDOM INSOMNIA.”

I probably got a total of six hours of sleep between Friday night and Monday morning. I somehow managed to keep my shit together at work yesterday, even when I had to go home to meet the plumber for the third time this month, who told me that the $300 fix we were paying him for is probably just a Band-Aid for a $900 fix, because of course it is. Luckily by that time in the afternoon I was fairly delirious, so instead of freaking out I just cackled every time he said “dip tube.”

Anyway, all my friends have been like DRINK SOME NYQUIL AND SHUT UP ALREADY, but since NyQuil tends to give me a wicked hangover, I decided to go the natural route first and bought some Sleepy Time Extra tea. I was skeptical, but the bear on the package that looks like he just drank a supersized roofie colada really sold me on it:

Sleepy Time Tea

Warning: “Classic Sleepytime™ Flavor” is code for “herb-infused ass.”

I did feel sleepy after drinking my tea last night, so I headed for bed, assumed my standard “falling asleep position” (right side, hugging pillow, one foot out of the covers) and started to freak out. What if I couldn’t fall asleep again? What if I’ll NEVER sleep through the night again? What if I can’t sleep because I have a brain tumor blocking my melatonin production? After about an hour of that, I finally fell asleep, and managed to stay asleep until around 5:30 a.m. I’ll take it.

I’m kind of wondering if maybe the problem is that I spent the last week lying around like a Kleenex-covered slug and my body just isn’t getting tired because it’s SO well-rested. I’m heading back to the gym tonight, and I’m interested to see if it helps. I have definitely developed a huge appreciation for people with chronic insomnia who manage to live their lives without murdering people who say they “need” 9 hours of sleep per night to function. They deserve medals. And a lifetime supply of free Ambien.

We Are Two People in the Pribe of Libe

Dave has been super sick since Sunday, and yesterday I woke up with a sore throat, swollen glands, and just a general feeling of awfulness. I decided to stay home, and spent the day Netflixing SVU and feeling guilty over staying home. I will never not feel guilty about using sick time. I could be, like, stricken with the ebola virus and bleeding out my eyeballs and still feel bad for not at least working half a day.

Even though I felt like crap, I was super hungry all day. The highlight of the afternoon was finding a bag of sweet maui onion kettle chips in the pantry that I had forgotten about. You guys, these chips are so good. I could not physically get them down my gullet fast enough.

Honey Boo Boo Cheese BallsAnyway, about three episodes into my SVU marathon and after taking some cough medicine I had the idea to create a page totally devoted to Elliot Stabler, Loose Cannon™ but realized this guy beat me to it. My very favorite is this one:

tumblr_lxebgeOZxF1qbia1oo5_1280This is shaping up to be one of my most terrible posts yet, so I’ll wrap it up by letting you know that  this shirt exists:

Cat Hair is Lonely People GlitterYou’re welcome.

I’m on Facebook! Tell Your Grandparents!

Thank you so much to everyone who posted encouraging things over on my Instagram yesterday … I’ve avoided posting about weight loss issues in the past, mostly because it’s hard not to post about that stuff without it sounding like a ploy for attention from Internet strangers. Because blogs offer such a tiny glimpse into the big picture of somebody’s life, it’s easy to read them and think, “that person’s got their shit together, why don’t I?” I guess this was just a PSA to let everyone know that sometimes, my shit is all over the place. Also, I know that my posts about fitness/health stuff have been sparse lately, but it’s something I aim to write more about this year since it’s obviously something I think about a lot.

Speaking of fitness, my mom texted me this morning to see if I wanted to run a half marathon with her and my dad in Maui later this year. At first I was like, “hmm, maybe we could swing that” but then I remembered the exposed drywall backsplash our kitchen is currently sporting, as well as the fact that the house needs new paint, a new lawn, and we’re currently in the middle of a plumbing job that is making me seriously consider bathing out back with the garden hose for the rest of my life. I told her maybe. Anybody in the market for a fully functioning* kidney?

Kristen-Wiig-Help-Me-Im-Poor-In-Bridesmaids-Gif

Also, I wanted to let you guys know that there’s an official HeatherHomefaker Facebook page now. Which is probably pointless since the other day I was talking to a teenager who told me nobody uses Facebook anymore except for parents and grandparents. Apparently all her friends just use Snapchat, and as she was telling me this I nodded along like I totally agreed that Facebook was so over and prayed she wouldn’t ask me for my Snapchat user name since I have no idea what the hell a Snapchat even is, or if it requires user names. I mean, I kind of know what it is, but I don’t really get how it’s different than the group message function I currently use when I feel like all my friends need to see a boring picture of my cat for the thousandth time. Basically, I have never felt older than I did at the end of that conversation.

Source

Source
So glad I spent hundreds of dollars on a DSLR “for blog photos” so I can proceed to only post gifs.

ANYWAY, for those of you stuck in 2006 with me, my Facebook link is on the sidebar. Feel free to like my page and spam me with Patrick Dempsey photos and beer recommendations.

*Beer doesn’t damage kidneys, right?