Monthly Archives: June 2014

Paranoid Ramblings of a Soon-To-Be 30 Year Old

I turn 30 in two weeks. And no, that is not an attempt to garner a bunch of Happy Birthday wishes (I really hate when people do that). You just need to know that I’m about to turn 30 for the rest of this post to make sense. As much as the ramblings of a hypochondriac with a well-documented history of anxiety can make sense.

I was doing OK with the turning-30 thing until I was applying fake tan a few weeks ago and noticed some weird lines on my calf. At first I thought it was a faint bruise, but upon further inspection it appears that I now have the beginnings of spider veins on one of my calves. SPIDER VEINS. AT 29 YEARS OLD. I was under the impression that I had AT LEAST another 20 years before having to worry about this shit. At this point, I may as well start entering rooms thusly:


Source I’M 30 YEARS OLD!

After the Fake Tan Incident, I spent about 20 minutes scrutinizing every inch of my body for more of them (of course there are more of them). I then Googled “how to prevent spider veins,” which on a scale of “1” to “Dumbest Idea Ever” is a solid “Let’s Make Another Transformers Movie.”


Source Obligatory Michael Bay Is A Douche gif

Here are some of the really helpful things I learned from what may be the most depressing Google search in my history of Google searches, and this is coming from a person who once Googled, “Meat pieces are clogging nozzle on Bacon and Cheddar Easy Cheese”:

– Don’t stand too much.

– But also, don’t sit too much.

– Don’t be overweight.

– Exercise regularly.

– But even if you aren’t overweight and do exercise regularly, you’re probably still fucked because it’s mostly hereditary.

– Don’t cross your legs.

– Get up and take a walk every 10 minutes.

So yesterday I’m explaining to my coworkers about how from now on I’ll be spending 80 minutes of my workday taking walk breaks because I might be getting The Spider Veins, and they decide it’s a good idea to tell me about somebody they know who went through menopause at 32 because “she doesn’t have kids and it starts earlier when you don’t have kids.”


Me at work yesterday, minus Sophia’s youthful skin.

Anyway, I know it’s dumb to stress about something totally out of your control, especially when that something really has no bearing on your health or how you live your life. (And, if I’m being honest, you can’t even really see my dumb veins unless your eyes are right up on my calf.) Instead of inspecting my legs every day to see if they’re getting worse, I’m making an effort to dial back the crazy, be thankful for the fact that I can lift weights and run half marathons on my spinster legs, and enjoy the shit out of my 30s.

I may also look into Zoloft.

High Five for Friday


1. Eating lunch outside during that glorious one-month period of the year where it’s in between “pleasantly warm” and “I can actually feel my eyeballs sweating.”

Fried in maple sausage grease. Because duh.

Fried in maple sausage grease. Because duh.

2. My friend is hooking me up with fresh eggs from her chickens and they are SO GOOD. We’d like to get some hens eventually (we can have up to five within city limits), but we need to figure out our backyard plans first.

Bread Pudding

3. This bread pudding from Porter’s. I had them package half of it up to take home with me, and then I ate it out of the box the second we got home. #suchrestraint #muchclass

Spaghetti squash

4.  I didn’t feel like making dinner one night, so I heated up some leftover spaghetti squash and topped it with avocado basil sauce. Just combine a large avocado with 1-2 garlic cloves, 1 tablespoon olive oil, 4-5 fresh basil leaves, and a pinch of salt in a food processor and blend until smooth.

Via Instagram

Via Instagram

5. Dave and I went wine tasting in Southern Oregon with a group of acquaintances last weekend. A few thoughts: 1) Turns out, I really like Bordeaux-style wines. 2) Southern Oregon is so pretty, and we should all live there. 3) Pretentious people are really fun to watch, and I WILL mock you on my blog, should you decide to brag about your palate being able to discern what kind of soil the grapes were grown in.

What were your highs this week?

How To Clean Dark Floors

Clean Dark Floors

I get lots of questions, both in comments and emails, about whether we like our dark floors and how we keep them clean. I figured since so many people are curious, I’d go ahead and just write a post about it.

First of all, know that I hate cleaning. Hate. It. But I also hate having a messy house. And since dark floors show more dirt, for the first few months after we moved in I was CONSTANTLY sweeping and Swiffering and kind of wishing we had just covered all the floors in dirt-colored carpet. Related: If you are one of those people who walk over doormats without wiping your feet, I silently hate you.

Source   If you've ever walked into my house without wiping your feet.

Source    Every time somebody tracks mud into the house.

So here’s the skinny: Our flooring is Allen + Roth Burnished Cafe Maple. So far, it’s been very scratch-resistant, although we are always super careful when moving furniture, etc. I love, love, love the color, and feel like it really made the house look a lot nicer/bigger. Here are a few shots from right after we installed the floors before moving in last summer:

08-21-13-hallway-before-and-after 08-21-13-living-room-before-and-after

And here’s the living room as of yesterday afternoon.

Burnished Cafe Maple FloorsAfter moving in, it became clear that sweeping + Swiffering wasn’t going to cut it. Our cat leaves a ton of hair everywhere, and when sweeping it into the dustpan about half of it floats back out and lands back on the clean floors. It wasn’t that noticeable until we’d Swiffer, and wind up with a bunch of sticky little cat hair clumps. Meanwhile, the cat would be on the couch, like:

Junk Food Cat

Clean my filth, bitchez.

Basically, every time we cleaned the floors we felt like the idiots at the beginning of infomercials who can’t pour a glass of milk without burning their house down.

Source   There's got to be a better way!

Source    There’s got to be a better way!

You guys, there is totally a better way. And it only involves two steps. You’ll need The Shark Rocket and The Swiffer Wet Jet.

Step 1: Go over the floors using the Shark’s Dust-Away attachment and included pad. This will replace sweeping – it sucks up every last bit of dust/hair, and it takes only a fraction of the time since you don’t need to stop and empty the dirt into a dustpan. Once you’re done, just empty the dust trap into the trash and throw the re-usable pad into the washing machine. (It also comes with a vacuum attachment that works great on carpet!)

Step 2: Now that all the dust/hair/debris is gone, use the Swiffer Wet Jet to add polish and shine and to get rid of any stubborn dirt or footprints.

THAT’S IT. It takes me about 15 minutes to do our whole house (our house is small, but still). I normally do both steps on the weekend, and then mid-week I’ll just run the Shark over high-traffic areas, such as the kitchen and living room. I used to spend about half an hour 2-3 times a week trying to keep our floors clean, and this takes like a third of the time and lasts so much longer. Which means I have more time to do what I really love in life.

Do you have any favorite floor cleaning products? Let me know in the comments!


Living Room Progress

We’ve been wanting to hang floating shelves in the master bathroom for a while now, and a few weeks ago I finally ordered two Lack shelves from Ikea. Like a true lazy asshole, I didn’t measure the space along the wall we had planned to put them, telling myself that I could totally just eyeball it. Turns out, my eyeballing skillz suck – the shelves were almost a foot and a half too big for the space.

As usual, Dave saved the day — he had the great idea to hang them in the living room instead. I really love how they turned out, and now that the room is looking somewhat finished I thought it might be fun to do a little then-and-now action:

Living Room

Is there a Throw Pillow Anonymous group? I may need to join.

Shelves 2

Here’s what excites me most about these shelves: They like, doubled the surface area in the living room on which I can drape pine boughs and twinkle lights during the holidays.

And now Dave is kicking himself for coming up with this plan.

Anyway, the one thing I really, really want to finish off the living room is an Ashley Woodson Bailey print.

Unfortunately, most of my “fun” budget for the next two months is going toward kitchen updates, but I WILL own one of them soon.

So that’s the story of how my supreme laziness turned into something great. If you take anything away from this post, let it be that laziness always pays off.


Life Lately

What’s up guys? I just figured I’d take a break from being the worst blogger ever and post a little life update since it’s been almost a month since my last post.

House Stuff
If you follow me on Instagram, then you know we’ve been looking at backsplash options, since our kitchen walls have looked like this for 11 months now:


OK not exactly like this. We did move the crowbar to the garage.

(Click here if you’re wondering why we removed perfectly good tile backsplash.)

After looking at all of the wall tile in all of the land, we finally narrowed it down to four options:


I decided the top left option is my number one pick – the little silver pieces are stainless steel, which I think will look awesome with our stainless appliances. I was really excited because it’s on sale, only I found out later that it’s on sale because it’s been discontinued. CRISIS. Luckily, the contractor we hired said he just did a job last week with similar tile, and said he’ll go over to their house and ask where they got it. And just like that, he became my new favorite person. He also may have convinced us to replace our kitchen counters as well. We want to go with dark countertops and paint our cabinets white, sort of like this:

I kind of want to replace our sink with an undermount model, but I also kind of want to continue being able to afford groceries, so we’ll see if that happens.

I mentioned a while ago that I started writing part-time for a beauty/fashion/lifestyle blog – I’ve been doing that on top of working full-time at my marketing job, and I’ve also been doing some consulting work for a really cool wearable tech company (you’ll hear more about that soon!). On one hand, I’ve become really busy and have neglected this space a bit. On the other hand, the extra income is allowing us to make some fun home improvements and start a travel fund. Ireland/Scotland 2015!

Confession: I’m kind of burnt out on running, and I haven’t run more than 2 miles since my 10-miler in April.


Oh Ann, you beautiful spinster.

For the last month or so, I’ve been lifting weights and getting my cardio in the form of treadmill sprints/elliptical machine. I really enjoy the variety of working a bunch of different muscle groups, as opposed to just … running for hours at a time. I’ve also noticed that while distance running helps me manage my weight (and offset my beer consumption), it doesn’t do much for overall toning/firming. Which, let’s just say, has become more of a necessity the closer I get to 30. (T-33 days, BUT WHO’S COUNTING.)

My favorite strength routines right now are on FitnessBlender. Give these a try if you’re looking to get into weights but don’t know where to start! And don’t be afraid to use heavy weights – if you’re not juicing up, you’re probably not going to wind up looking like She-Hulk:

Butt & Thigh Workout

Total Body Strength + Cardio Intervals

Upper Body + Core

So that’s pretty much it. I will try to post a bit more often here, but if you’re really missing daily pictures of beer/my cat/cheese products, feel free to follow me on Instagram.