Monthly Archives: December 2015

2016 Goals

The week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve is my least favorite week of the year. The holiday festivities start winding down and everybody starts pondering how much they suck at life and tries to convince themselves that they’re going to suck less in the coming year. I read somewhere that like 80% of new year’s resolutions have to do with fitness, and apparently I’m no different. For instance: it would be awesome if I didn’t have to lay down and say a prayer to the patron saint of diabeetus prevention to get my skinny jeans to zip.

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Thankfully I haven’t had to resort to lotion to get my pants on. Yet.

I’m pretty confident that I’ll shed my holiday poundage pretty quickly now that I’m back to my usual eating routine that doesn’t include cookies, fudge, and hot chocolate every day, so here are a few more long-term goals I’ve made for the coming year:

Master kipping pull-ups

I can currently do 3-4 strict pull-ups (depending on how sore my arms are), which I am actually pretty proud of considering that I had literally never done a single pull-up in my entire life when I started CrossFit last summer. While I will continue to work on my strict pull-ups, I also need to learn to kip so that I can start RXing those workouts with a million pull-ups (I’m looking at you, Fran). I’m just going to keep chipping away at it during my warm-ups and hope that someday soon I’ll stop looking like I’m having a grand mal seizure on the bar and look more like this:

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Master double unders

I got a  Rogue RX custom jump rope a few months ago, which has made double unders a little easier for me. (For non CrossFit folks: a double under is when the rope makes two passes per jump instead of just one.) On a good day, I can string together 5 or 6. Most days I just wind up whipping my legs repeatedly with my rope and screaming obscenities.

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Back squat 225#

My most recent back squat max was 150#, but that was back in October so I’m hoping the next time I go for a max I’ll be closer to 175#. I honestly have no idea if 225# is possible for me to hit next year, but I’m going to try!

Deadlift 300#

Again, no idea if this will be possible, but I’ve added 50# to my deadlift since September so I figure I may as well aim high! (My current max is 205#)

Continue to focus on diet

My diet is SO much better than it was a few years ago. I used to eat a ton of frozen meals and “diet” foods, which were low calorie but filled with all kinds of artificial crap. For the last five months or so I’ve been really making an effort to cut back on highly processed, pre-packaged foods. I’ve noticed my body starting to change, particularly in the stomach area:

Before and After

Note the sweet shoulder bruise in the photo on the right. Maybe “fix my slow elbows” should be on this list.

The photo on the left was the week after I started CrossFit (August), and the one on the right was three months later (November). It’s not an Earth-shattering transformation or anything, but I definitely think I look less puffy and a little more toned in the one on the right. I haven’t ever taken progress photos before, but I’m finding it’s great motivation to actually be able to see the difference you’re making because it can be hard to see change on a day-to-day basis.

That’s it for me …  I’d love to hear your goals for 2016, if you have some!

The Worst Kinds of Holiday People

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Remember when I used to blog more than once every six months? That was fun. Every once in a while I’ll think to myself, “Hey, ____ would make a good blog post,” and then between work and working out and falling asleep in front of Netflix at 8 p.m. I never wind up writing said post.

This morning I was driving to work and got cut off by a car with reindeer antlers affixed to the headlights (very safety!) and I was like, “Hey! I should write a blog post about the worst kinds of people during the holidays.” I managed to stay awake past 8 p.m. tonight thanks to Dave’s office Christmas party, and here we are. Presenting: The Worst Kinds of Holiday People According to Heather Homefaker.

People who gripe about long lines in big box stores the week before Christmas. The majority of Walmart shoppers can barely manage to put on pants before leaving the house, and you thought they’d have their shit together enough to finish their Christmas shopping early? Oh, you. Unfortunately at this point your options include A) dealing with it or B) going to a drugstore and paying $8 for that $1.99 jar of marinara sauce you’re holding. Your options do not include being a douche to the cashier about the long wait times because you didn’t foresee Walmart on Dec. 23 being a giant pajama-clad clusterfuck set to the tune of Jingle Bell Rock.

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I would watch the shit out of  a show where Gordon Ramsay shows up and screams at people in Walmart.

People who can’t consume Christmas cookies/candy/drinks without talking about how many calories they have. You’ll probably gain 5 lbs this week. So will everyone else, so at least you won’t look fatter by comparison. Now close your cookie-hole or shove something delicious into it before I smack you.

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Can’t … stop … watching.

People who judge me for listening to old-school Amy Grant Christmas albums on Spotify at work. You think my nostalgic infatuation with 1990s contemporary Christian Christmas music is weird? Just be thankful I’m not also doing the sign language to “Emmanuel” because I TOTALLY KNOW IT.

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I may have also choreographed a dance to “Baby, Baby” in middle school that I performed in front of my parents and their friends.

(Related: this morning I decided to give Amy a break and try a Spotify playlist called Hipster Christmas. Ten minutes later my office was filled with fart sounds, which at first I attributed to a coworker who may have gotten a little too excited about the bread budding in the break room, but was in fact a Hipster Christmas track called “Jingle Farts.” Yes, it is literally fart sounds to the tune of Jingle Bells. No, I don’t want to know what types of exercises are required to control the timbre of your farts. Hipsters, you and your holiday sweaters that stopped being ironic five years ago are officially on notice.)

People offended by the word “holiday.” Now,the layperson might think that when people say “happy holidays” they are using it as a convenient way to wish you a Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Wonderful New Year all at once because it would be super exhausting (and weird) to ask everyone their religious affiliation in order to wish them the appropriate yuletide greeting. DO NOT BE FOOLED BY LOGIC. These holiday well-wishers are clearly trying to trample on your rights by taking CHRIST out of Christmas. This is for sure what you should focus your rage on at a time when there are millions of refugee families without places to live, civilians and troops dying daily overseas, and people gunning down their coworkers on a disturbingly regular basis.

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That escalated quickly. Sorry.

I could probably keep going, but I’m starting to sound like I hate the holidays, which isn’t the case. In fact, my appreciation for Christmas traditions borders on Clark Griswold territory, right down to the crazy relatives. And on that note, I’ll leave you with this:

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