The Worst Kinds of Holiday People

Testing … is this thing on?

Remember when I used to blog more than once every six months? That was fun. Every once in a while I’ll think to myself, “Hey, ____ would make a good blog post,” and then between work and working out and falling asleep in front of Netflix at 8 p.m. I never wind up writing said post.

This morning I was driving to work and got cut off by a car with reindeer antlers affixed to the headlights (very safety!) and I was like, “Hey! I should write a blog post about the worst kinds of people during the holidays.” I managed to stay awake past 8 p.m. tonight thanks to Dave’s office Christmas party, and here we are. Presenting: The Worst Kinds of Holiday People According to Heather Homefaker.

People who gripe about long lines in big box stores the week before Christmas. The majority of Walmart shoppers can barely manage to put on pants before leaving the house, and you thought they’d have their shit together enough to finish their Christmas shopping early? Oh, you. Unfortunately at this point your options include A) dealing with it or B) going to a drugstore and paying $8 for that $1.99 jar of marinara sauce you’re holding. Your options do not include being a douche to the cashier about the long wait times because you didn’t foresee Walmart on Dec. 23 being a giant pajama-clad clusterfuck set to the tune of Jingle Bell Rock.

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I would watch the shit out of  a show where Gordon Ramsay shows up and screams at people in Walmart.

People who can’t consume Christmas cookies/candy/drinks without talking about how many calories they have. You’ll probably gain 5 lbs this week. So will everyone else, so at least you won’t look fatter by comparison. Now close your cookie-hole or shove something delicious into it before I smack you.

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Can’t … stop … watching.

People who judge me for listening to old-school Amy Grant Christmas albums on Spotify at work. You think my nostalgic infatuation with 1990s contemporary Christian Christmas music is weird? Just be thankful I’m not also doing the sign language to “Emmanuel” because I TOTALLY KNOW IT.

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I may have also choreographed a dance to “Baby, Baby” in middle school that I performed in front of my parents and their friends.

(Related: this morning I decided to give Amy a break and try a Spotify playlist called Hipster Christmas. Ten minutes later my office was filled with fart sounds, which at first I attributed to a coworker who may have gotten a little too excited about the bread budding in the break room, but was in fact a Hipster Christmas track called “Jingle Farts.” Yes, it is literally fart sounds to the tune of Jingle Bells. No, I don’t want to know what types of exercises are required to control the timbre of your farts. Hipsters, you and your holiday sweaters that stopped being ironic five years ago are officially on notice.)

People offended by the word “holiday.” Now,the layperson might think that when people say “happy holidays” they are using it as a convenient way to wish you a Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Wonderful New Year all at once because it would be super exhausting (and weird) to ask everyone their religious affiliation in order to wish them the appropriate yuletide greeting. DO NOT BE FOOLED BY LOGIC. These holiday well-wishers are clearly trying to trample on your rights by taking CHRIST out of Christmas. This is for sure what you should focus your rage on at a time when there are millions of refugee families without places to live, civilians and troops dying daily overseas, and people gunning down their coworkers on a disturbingly regular basis.

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That escalated quickly. Sorry.

I could probably keep going, but I’m starting to sound like I hate the holidays, which isn’t the case. In fact, my appreciation for Christmas traditions borders on Clark Griswold territory, right down to the crazy relatives. And on that note, I’ll leave you with this:

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