Category Archives: Entertainment

No Englishman would dream of dying in someone else’s house

Me: I have nothing to blog about.

Dave: You could write about the fabric headboard we made this weekend. Or your guacamole recipe that you keep saying you want to post. Or how you just discovered Downton Abbey. Or-

Me: SHUT UP I GET IT.

The fact is, I could tell you about how I’m now one of those insufferable people you’re friends with on Facebook who is all OMG I ❤ DOWNTON ABBEY!!1!1! every five seconds, and how I cry during almost every episode, and how Dave insists on saying Master Bates instead of Mr Bates, but in my super tired state I can’t really think of much to say beyond that. Except that Dame Maggie Smith is The Shit and I want to be her when I grow up.

Especially if it means I get to kiss Ron Weasley:

maggie+smith+kissing+rupert+grint+2

I’m only about halfway through the first season, so I’m trying really hard to avoid finding out what the big twist was at the end of the last episode that has everybody freaking out. My Google Reader is spiraling out of control because of all the posts labeled DOWNTON ABBEY SPOILER ALERT that I can’t mark  as read because I’ll want to read them once I’m caught up, but at the same time I want to mark them as read because I feel twitchy and anxious when I have lots of unread content in my reader. PROBLEMS. I HAVE THEM.

Obviously the most responsible course of action is to call in sick for the rest of the week so I can get caught up.

What about you … do you watch Downton Abbey? Are you as jealous as I am of Dame Smith getting to expecto Rupert’s patronum in that photo up there?

Dancing men in fanny packs? Jon Hamm? Yes and yes.

Just in case your week is going as awfully as mine is, here are some of my favorite things to watch when I’m having a hard day:

DC Talk

Divine Wackness with DC Talk

Chips Tips

Chip’s Tips

jon hamm

Jon Hamm’s love advice for teenage girls

My running playlist

I only ran once last week, thanks to the stomach bug/ flu/food poisoning/whatever it was that made me so violently sick last Monday that my appetite didn’t fully return until Friday. Something about seeing elk chili in reverse was enough to make all food seem unappetizing for a few days.

And now you’re feeling sick!

I ran a little over 2.5 miles on Saturday morning to kind of ease myself back into moving after a week off, and I realized that I’m really bored with my running playlist. This morning I found two iTunes gift cards in my wallet that I had forgotten about, so I decided to use one of them to purchase some new running songs. Only I have no idea what to buy. I never listen to the radio, and my iTunes library consists of whiney dudes in skinny jeans/classic rock/songs with banjo solos. Oh and like every bad 90s band in existence. Honestly, liking 90s music is kind of my friendship litmus test – basically, I don’t have space in my life for people who don’t like to sing Ace of Base at the top of their lungs after a few beers on a Friday night. I pretty much only listen to pop music when I’m working out, so I have no idea what’s out there right now. Which  is why I need you to help me. I’ll tell you what I already have on my running playlist, and you tell me all the Carly Rae Ke$ha Gomez Cyrus songs I should add.

I bolded the songs that are especially great for when you feel like slowing to a walk, thumbing a ride to the nearest golden arches, and Mcworking your way through a bucket of chicken nuggets:

1. Of Monsters and Men – Little Talks
2. Matt & Kim – Good Ol’ Fashion Nightmare
3. Rihanna – We Found Love
4. OK Go – Get Over It
5. OK Go – Here it Goes Again
6. Matt & Kim – Daylight
7. All American Rejects – Gives You  Hell (This song is especially inspiring if you once dated a total asshat, lost a bunch of weight since he last saw you, and are now way out of his league. Hypothetically.)
8. Journey – Don’t Stop Believin
9. The Blue Van – Man Up
10. Kreayshawn – Gucci Gucci (Best lyric? “I’ve got the swag and it’s pumpin’ out my ovaries.”)
11. Lil Wayne feat. Eminem – Drop the World
12. Glee Cast – Telephone (No need to judge me for this one, I’m doing it myself.)
13. Foreigner – Hot Blooded
14. Beck – Loser
15. OK Go – This Too Shall Pass
16. The Black Keys – Howlin’ For You
17. MGMT – Kids

We are sooo going to party

I hosted a little get together at my apartment on Saturday, something I rarely do on account of a) having to wear real clothes on a weekend and b) a crippling anxiety that people will be bored/not like my food/notice the thin gray outline around all the objects on my coffee table because I didn’t move them when I dusted.

If you’re like me and tend to freak out about having people over, the best thing you can do for yourself AND your guests is serve booze. I like to make a big batch of a mixed drink in some sort of carafe so I don’t feel like I have to make cocktails all evening or worry about getting the right proportions of alcohol/mixers. And if you make it ahead of time, you can self-medicate for your social anxiety before everyone comes over. Don’t be like me though and find yourself not wearing pants when the first guests ring the doorbell. (I swear that story isn’t as weird as it sounds. And also I put my pants back on before opening the door.)

My mom makes really good sangria, so I had her send me the recipe. I have no idea where she got it, but it’s easy to make (and even easier to drink three glasses of without realizing it). Plus, it’s pretty:

01.20.13 Sangria

Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups brandy
3 bottles of red wine (cheap stuff is fine)
1 1/2 cups triple sec
3/4 cup lemon juice
1 cup frozen limeade
1 cup orange juice
1/2 cup of sugar/sweetener of choice (I used Splenda)
6 cups diet ginger ale
1 lemon, sliced
1 orange, sliced
1 lime, sliced

Method:
Combine everything except ginger ale the night before (not totally necessary, but it’ll be fruitier if you do it this way). Add chilled ginger ale right before serving. Drink 1-2 glasses before guests arrive. Check to make sure you’re wearing pants before opening the door.
How many servings this yields kind of depends on how much your friends drink, but it was more than enough for the 15 people I had over.
Do you usually serve cocktails when you have guests over? What are your go-to drinks?

Braaaaains

Dave was perusing Netflix on Sunday morning when he saw The Walking Dead and asked if I would mind if he watched an episode. I was crocheting an afghan and only half paying attention, so I said sure. I perked up when I realized the main character is the guy who was in love with Keira Knightley in  “Love Actually,” and Dave instantly regretted watching with me in the room because I had to tell him all about that scene where he holds up the signs that tell Keira that he secretly loves her even though she’s married to his best friend who kind of seems like a giant douche, and also that it’s probably really hard for him to do a southern accent on account of he’s British. When Norman Reedus showed up a few episodes in, I was warned that if I started talking about The Boondock Saints I’d be punched in the throat so I managed to not tell him that he’s not actually Irish, and was born in Florida.

Somehow we watched for 10 straight hours without Dave making good on his throat-punching threat, and we really only stopped for the night because I realized that if I followed my heart and quit my job so I could watch every single episode uninterrupted, I wouldn’t be able to pay my rent. I did consider briefly the fact that our city library has free wireless and I could technically live in my car in the library parking lot and watch on my laptop, but there would be nowhere to plug in my Keurig so I decided against it. For now.

Ironically, the night before we had discovered that season two of Portlandia was available on Netflix, and we laughed really hard at this skit. Basically, Netflix predicted our future.

Why I’m not a screenwriter

A few weekends ago we saw “Transformers 3: What were you thinking, Patrick Dempsey?” on Netflix and decided to watch it. You may be asking yourself why I would do this to myself. Well, why did I once watch an entire season of “Bridalplasty” in two days? Why do some people want to have kids? If Snooki gets punched in the face in the forest, do the trees high five each other without making a sound? Some things are just a mystery, is what I’m saying.

Anyway, about 10 seconds into the movie, I knew I was going to have to find a way to pass the next two-and-a-half hours in my head. If you haven’t seen this trilogy, the following synopsis will fill you in on all seven hours of combined storyline: Hot girl, shit exploding. Seriously, that is the entire story. I would not be surprised to find out the plotlines for these movies were originally finger-painted on rock walls by cavemen and subsequently discovered by Michael Bay on a vision quest for blockbuster movie ideas deep in the wilderness outside of Los Angeles (quick, somebody make this into a movie starring Nic Cage).

To pass the time during the movie, I started imagining what non-action movies would look like if they had been directed by Michael Bay. May I present to you:

“The Sound of Music: Do-re-DIE”

Honestly, I would watch the shit out of that movie. I was routinely forced to watch “The Sound of Music” against my will as a child, and do you know what would make the scene where the head nun sings for 20 minutes about climbing every mountain more exciting? EXPLOSIONS, that’s what. Try fording those streams when they’re ON FIRE, sister.

This, in turn, got me thinking, what would have happened if Michael Bay had teamed up with Nicholas “Shakespeare” Sparks?  I’ll tell you what would have happened:

“The Notebook: Sorry, this explosion probably caused your memory loss”

Sure, I cried at the end of “The Notebook,” but only because I envied the main character’s Alzheimer’s – I’m stuck with the memory of watching this movie forever.

Finally, I like to think that when Kirk Cameron tried to prove to literally tens of moviegoers worldwide that marriage can be fireproof, Michael Bay was all, “Challenge extended,” and came up with the idea for:

“Fireproof your IP address”

I’d imagine this one would be mostly the same, except every time Kirk Cameron looks at porn, God drops an a-bomb on a third world country.

Actually, that might be true.

Wherein I offend Kirk Cameron’s fan(s)

My boyfriend and I experienced a perfect storm of awesomeness Monday night.

This perfect storm of awesomeness occurred at Walmart, a miracle in and of itself since Walmart is usually a storm of cellulite, sweaty crotch odor and screaming kids, but definitely not awesomeness. So there we were, darting around and trying our best to avoid contracting diseases from the other customers, when we stumbled across the movie “Fireproof” on sale for just $9. Moments earlier we had scored a giant bottle of Captain Morgan at half price. Jesus couldn’t have been more clear that he wanted us to make up a “Fireproof” drinking game if he had placed a burning bush right in front of us (although, judging from the looks of the people in line at the pharmacy, there were probably PLENTY of burning bushes in Walmart that night).

Quick aside: I’m totally not mocking Kirk for making a movie about his beliefs. I am mocking Kirk for making a movie about his beliefs that is SO TERRIBLE that afterward we had to cleanse our palates with Saved by the Bell, for God’s sake. Slater doing a two-minute dance routine in high-waisted, acid-washed mom jeans was more subtle than this movie. Kirk Cameron coming to your house in a Jesus costume and bitch-slapping you with a wrought iron cross would be more subtle than this movie.

We did some Googlin’ and, while we did discover a few “Fireproof” drinking games, we kept adding our own rules throughout the movie because there was just so much recurring awfulness. And because I am apparently committed to ruining Kirk Cameron’s day, and also kind of bored, I am about to provide you not only with our Official “Fireproof” Drinking Game Rules, but with a visual guide to help you on your way. I believe this is what God calls “being a cheerful giver.” Also, sorry for the crappy phone photos … did you know the DVD player on Macs won’t let you take screen grabs? True story.

ANYWAY.

Take a shot every time:

– Kirk’s porn habit is referred to without actually using the word “porn”

How many times do I have to tell you, "Even More Backdoor Action is the name of our bank's new free checking feature!"

– An awful analogy about women is made

Women are like the basics of good acting: Nobody in this movie understands them.

– A cross is shown

Nothing to see here, just casually leaning upon a cross in a field. Casually.

– A character is shown making coffee, drinking coffee or talking about making or drinking coffee

Get ready to see a lot of this coffee pot. It may be the film's best actor.

I like my coffee like I like my men: Hot, and with a splash of self-righteousness.

Fireproof: Sponsored by Jesus and Folgers

His method for looking concerned about his marriage is to think about ways to add more scenes starring his Braun.

Happy drinking, and may your liver be as fireproof as your marriage.