Category Archives: Libations

Hillbilly Glassware

Are you a backwoods gal looking for a more refined way to imbibe your Keystone Light? Do you routinely host black bolo tie dinner parties in your double-wide?

Have I got the product line for you!

Hillbilly glassware

We were browsing around the grange co-op the other day when we discovered the delightful inventions pictured above.

Right now you’re probably judging me for shopping at the grange co-op. In my defense, are YOU able to buy shoes, ranch equipment, and fine tableware all in one convenient location? That’s what I thought.

So yeah, I was maneuvering between a tub full of live baby chicks and a rack of bling-ass jeans when these babies caught my eye. I’ve been looking for ways to class up my lifestyle, and these definitely beat drinking my evening wine out of a coffee mug. The mason jar model even comes with a screw-on lid, which takes all the guesswork out of deciding whether you want to bring your half-empty drink along on your late-night Taco Bell run.*

“But Heather!” You are surely thinking to yourself right now. “My city does not have a grange co op! Am I destined to drink from boring old normal wine glasses for the rest of my days?”

I’ve got your back. Not only can you buy the original Rednek wine glass right here, you can also choose from the Rednek Red Party Cup or even the Rednek Rita Glass. Dave’s birthday was yesterday, so we may or may not now own all three. Like my mom always said, we have tons of class – it’s just all low.

*Totally joking, officer.

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Delicous vodka, now with more bison!

I get embarrassed at cash registers frequently, mostly because I harbor intense love for an array of low-class foods. The other day I went to the store to get the fixings for Spam and Velveeta Shells and Cheese, and I stood in front of the canned meat display for like 10 minutes trying to decide whether picking up the Spam with Bacon would be worth the risk of running into somebody I knew while carrying it to the register. I finally shamed myself into going with Spam Lite, which was probably the more embarrassing choice because while Spam with Bacon says, “I’m confident enough to buy something so obviously shitty for me,” Spam Lite says, “I like canned meat AND I think I’m fat.” Chuck Norris would buy Spam with Bacon. Who would buy Spam Lite?

01-honey-boo-boo-family

I swear this has a point. Kind of. Mostly I just needed you to know that I have a habit of buying and eating embarrassing stuff, which has probably dulled my sense of shame. It is most likely why I found myself drinking vodka flavored like a cattle pasture Saturday night. Excuse me, a bison pasture.

bison grass

That long green strip you see in there? That’s a piece of grass. And you know what? This stuff is actually really good. It has a slight cinnamon-y aftertaste (just like real bison grass?), and was really great mixed with orange juice. The guy at the store told us it was banned in the U.S. for a while because some ingredient in it has been known to have psychotropic effects. He also kept creepily saying it was an aphrodisiac and insisted on carrying our ONE BOTTLE of alcohol out to the car for us, a task clearly beyond two able-bodied people in their 20s with nothing else in their hands. After about the tenth time he said “aphrodisiac” I wanted to be like dude, ALL ALCOHOL is an aphrodisiac, which is why you always hear about people waking up in bed with a stranger after they have been DRINKING, not after a bitchin’ dinner of liquid cheese and Spam Lite. It’s a good thing I didn’t, since now he knows what my car looks like. Excellent.

We are sooo going to party

I hosted a little get together at my apartment on Saturday, something I rarely do on account of a) having to wear real clothes on a weekend and b) a crippling anxiety that people will be bored/not like my food/notice the thin gray outline around all the objects on my coffee table because I didn’t move them when I dusted.

If you’re like me and tend to freak out about having people over, the best thing you can do for yourself AND your guests is serve booze. I like to make a big batch of a mixed drink in some sort of carafe so I don’t feel like I have to make cocktails all evening or worry about getting the right proportions of alcohol/mixers. And if you make it ahead of time, you can self-medicate for your social anxiety before everyone comes over. Don’t be like me though and find yourself not wearing pants when the first guests ring the doorbell. (I swear that story isn’t as weird as it sounds. And also I put my pants back on before opening the door.)

My mom makes really good sangria, so I had her send me the recipe. I have no idea where she got it, but it’s easy to make (and even easier to drink three glasses of without realizing it). Plus, it’s pretty:

01.20.13 Sangria

Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups brandy
3 bottles of red wine (cheap stuff is fine)
1 1/2 cups triple sec
3/4 cup lemon juice
1 cup frozen limeade
1 cup orange juice
1/2 cup of sugar/sweetener of choice (I used Splenda)
6 cups diet ginger ale
1 lemon, sliced
1 orange, sliced
1 lime, sliced

Method:
Combine everything except ginger ale the night before (not totally necessary, but it’ll be fruitier if you do it this way). Add chilled ginger ale right before serving. Drink 1-2 glasses before guests arrive. Check to make sure you’re wearing pants before opening the door.
How many servings this yields kind of depends on how much your friends drink, but it was more than enough for the 15 people I had over.
Do you usually serve cocktails when you have guests over? What are your go-to drinks?

Wherein I offend Kirk Cameron’s fan(s)

My boyfriend and I experienced a perfect storm of awesomeness Monday night.

This perfect storm of awesomeness occurred at Walmart, a miracle in and of itself since Walmart is usually a storm of cellulite, sweaty crotch odor and screaming kids, but definitely not awesomeness. So there we were, darting around and trying our best to avoid contracting diseases from the other customers, when we stumbled across the movie “Fireproof” on sale for just $9. Moments earlier we had scored a giant bottle of Captain Morgan at half price. Jesus couldn’t have been more clear that he wanted us to make up a “Fireproof” drinking game if he had placed a burning bush right in front of us (although, judging from the looks of the people in line at the pharmacy, there were probably PLENTY of burning bushes in Walmart that night).

Quick aside: I’m totally not mocking Kirk for making a movie about his beliefs. I am mocking Kirk for making a movie about his beliefs that is SO TERRIBLE that afterward we had to cleanse our palates with Saved by the Bell, for God’s sake. Slater doing a two-minute dance routine in high-waisted, acid-washed mom jeans was more subtle than this movie. Kirk Cameron coming to your house in a Jesus costume and bitch-slapping you with a wrought iron cross would be more subtle than this movie.

We did some Googlin’ and, while we did discover a few “Fireproof” drinking games, we kept adding our own rules throughout the movie because there was just so much recurring awfulness. And because I am apparently committed to ruining Kirk Cameron’s day, and also kind of bored, I am about to provide you not only with our Official “Fireproof” Drinking Game Rules, but with a visual guide to help you on your way. I believe this is what God calls “being a cheerful giver.” Also, sorry for the crappy phone photos … did you know the DVD player on Macs won’t let you take screen grabs? True story.

ANYWAY.

Take a shot every time:

– Kirk’s porn habit is referred to without actually using the word “porn”

How many times do I have to tell you, "Even More Backdoor Action is the name of our bank's new free checking feature!"

– An awful analogy about women is made

Women are like the basics of good acting: Nobody in this movie understands them.

– A cross is shown

Nothing to see here, just casually leaning upon a cross in a field. Casually.

– A character is shown making coffee, drinking coffee or talking about making or drinking coffee

Get ready to see a lot of this coffee pot. It may be the film's best actor.

I like my coffee like I like my men: Hot, and with a splash of self-righteousness.

Fireproof: Sponsored by Jesus and Folgers

His method for looking concerned about his marriage is to think about ways to add more scenes starring his Braun.

Happy drinking, and may your liver be as fireproof as your marriage.