Category Archives: Lists

2017

Happy new year!

Everyone I know is excited to sweep 2016 under the rug and usher in 2017, and while I agree that 2016 sucked in a lot of ways (RIP, EVERYONE COOL), I am having trouble getting excited about 2017. First of all, I’m still trying to wrap my head around what life in the U.S. will be like under our new president-elect.

jabba-the-trump

I know Star Wars is all trendy right now, but maybe we should have drawn the line at electing a giant, slimy worm-man as the leader of our country, AMERICA.

 

Policies aside, my face morphs into the scream-face emoji whenever I think about having to look at that mug for the next four years.

Oh, ALSO I just found out that the next season of Westworld won’t be released until 2018, which means no new episodes in 2017, which means 2017 is officially trying to ruin my life.

I’ve decided that since 2017 is shaping up to be kind of dumb, my resolutions should be kind of dumb too. So here they are:

Take better care of my skin
First of all, I’m aware that needing to make this a resolution means I’m a garbage human. I totally admit that I’m terrible about my skin. I do wear sunscreen every day because I’m pale and if I don’t I’ll get a sunburn from the lightbulbs in my office, but basically I just use makeup remover wipes at the end of the day and that’s the extent of it. I don’t even use a moisturizer because literally every single one I’ve tried makes me break out, and I’m too lazy to go to a dermatologist and explore why that might be.

That said, I’ve decided that I have to get my skin care routine together because I’m 32 and if I don’t I’m going to look like Jabba the Trump by the time I’m 40. Dave’s parents got me a Clarisonic Plus for Christmas, which I am super excited about. (Maybe they really like me, or maybe that was their way of saying, GET IT TOGETHER, LEATHER FACE.) I’ve only been using it for a week and my skin already feels so much smoother. I’ve got a small breakout situation on my chin, but I’ve heard that often happens when people first start using it, so I’m pushing through in the hopes that it’ll make me in age in reverse like Jennifer Aniston. Oh, and I’ve also been using eye cream. I don’t really know if it’s doing anything, but I feel really responsible when I put it on, so.

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If it doesn’t work I may do this.

Stop being a pussy
Whenever I complain about the workouts at CrossFit, my friend Kate yells, “DON’T BE A PUSSY.” This usually gets me to stop whining out loud, but that doesn’t mean I stop complaining in my mind – I’m really bad about controlling my inner dialogue when workouts get spicy. So many of the workouts we do are meant to be just as challenging mentally as they are physically, and I’d like to get better about pushing through feelings of discomfort and learning to be, as my coach puts it, “comfortable with being uncomfortable.” (Unless my form is suffering or I feel actual PAIN, which is different than just feeling out of breath or tired.) I’ve heard repeating mantras can help; maybe mine should be “DON’T BE A PUSSY.”

Avoid chipped nail polish
I TOLD YOU THESE WERE DUMB. I like having painted nails, but I can’t ever seem to make it more than 24 hours without chipping my polish. Gel manicures last a long time, of course, but they get expensive and also they make my nails really thin and gross. Enter: Essie Gel Couture.

essie-gel-couture

I got some of this for Christmas, and it lasted through a whole week, including CrossFit! I’m on day seven and have a few minor chips that you can’t really see unless you get really up-close – I’m calling that a huge success. Plus, it’s super easy to use – you just apply two coats of color and then one coat of the topcoat. No UV lights are required, AND it comes off with regular polish remover. If I were a professional manicurist, I’d be afraid that this stuff would put me out of a job.

I think three is enough. So now you tell me some things: What are your goals for 2017? Did you achieve your goals for 2016? Do you have any thoughts about why moisturizer gives me pizza face? Do you hate me now because I made fun of Trump?

 

The Worst Kinds of Holiday People

Testing … is this thing on?

Remember when I used to blog more than once every six months? That was fun. Every once in a while I’ll think to myself, “Hey, ____ would make a good blog post,” and then between work and working out and falling asleep in front of Netflix at 8 p.m. I never wind up writing said post.

This morning I was driving to work and got cut off by a car with reindeer antlers affixed to the headlights (very safety!) and I was like, “Hey! I should write a blog post about the worst kinds of people during the holidays.” I managed to stay awake past 8 p.m. tonight thanks to Dave’s office Christmas party, and here we are. Presenting: The Worst Kinds of Holiday People According to Heather Homefaker.

People who gripe about long lines in big box stores the week before Christmas. The majority of Walmart shoppers can barely manage to put on pants before leaving the house, and you thought they’d have their shit together enough to finish their Christmas shopping early? Oh, you. Unfortunately at this point your options include A) dealing with it or B) going to a drugstore and paying $8 for that $1.99 jar of marinara sauce you’re holding. Your options do not include being a douche to the cashier about the long wait times because you didn’t foresee Walmart on Dec. 23 being a giant pajama-clad clusterfuck set to the tune of Jingle Bell Rock.

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I would watch the shit out of  a show where Gordon Ramsay shows up and screams at people in Walmart.

People who can’t consume Christmas cookies/candy/drinks without talking about how many calories they have. You’ll probably gain 5 lbs this week. So will everyone else, so at least you won’t look fatter by comparison. Now close your cookie-hole or shove something delicious into it before I smack you.

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Can’t … stop … watching.

People who judge me for listening to old-school Amy Grant Christmas albums on Spotify at work. You think my nostalgic infatuation with 1990s contemporary Christian Christmas music is weird? Just be thankful I’m not also doing the sign language to “Emmanuel” because I TOTALLY KNOW IT.

afxc6t

I may have also choreographed a dance to “Baby, Baby” in middle school that I performed in front of my parents and their friends.

(Related: this morning I decided to give Amy a break and try a Spotify playlist called Hipster Christmas. Ten minutes later my office was filled with fart sounds, which at first I attributed to a coworker who may have gotten a little too excited about the bread budding in the break room, but was in fact a Hipster Christmas track called “Jingle Farts.” Yes, it is literally fart sounds to the tune of Jingle Bells. No, I don’t want to know what types of exercises are required to control the timbre of your farts. Hipsters, you and your holiday sweaters that stopped being ironic five years ago are officially on notice.)

People offended by the word “holiday.” Now,the layperson might think that when people say “happy holidays” they are using it as a convenient way to wish you a Merry Christmas/Happy Hanukkah/Wonderful New Year all at once because it would be super exhausting (and weird) to ask everyone their religious affiliation in order to wish them the appropriate yuletide greeting. DO NOT BE FOOLED BY LOGIC. These holiday well-wishers are clearly trying to trample on your rights by taking CHRIST out of Christmas. This is for sure what you should focus your rage on at a time when there are millions of refugee families without places to live, civilians and troops dying daily overseas, and people gunning down their coworkers on a disturbingly regular basis.

tzos8

That escalated quickly. Sorry.

I could probably keep going, but I’m starting to sound like I hate the holidays, which isn’t the case. In fact, my appreciation for Christmas traditions borders on Clark Griswold territory, right down to the crazy relatives. And on that note, I’ll leave you with this:

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Best Buys of 2014

Best Buys of 2014So, I did quite a bit of shopping in 2014. I know, shocking. Below are some of my favorite purchases of the year, with links so that you can buy them too. So really, you might say that all that shopping was a selfless act to benefit my blog readers. YOU’RE WELCOME. (Heads up: some of these are affiliate links, so Google the product name instead if that bugs you!)

1. Old Navy The Rockstar Mid-Rise Super Skinny Black Jeans

Black skinny jeansConfession: I used to be super snobby about Old Navy jeans. I tried to love them back in 2006 when I was a poor college student, but even the super affordable price tag didn’t make up for the frumpy fit and cheap quality. Fast forward to a few months ago: I was hanging out with my sister, and she was wearing some really cute black skinnies. I asked where she got them, and she told me Old Navy. Naturally, I had to try some on, and I was sold – the slight stretch makes them super comfortable, and the mid-rise allows me to eat as much cheese dip as I want with nary a muffin top in sight. Good on you, Old Navy.

2. LOFT French Terry Zip Sweatshirt Jacket

Loft jacketThis jacket is magical – you look pulled together, but feel like you’re wearing a sweatshirt. (So basically it’s a work-appropriate version of Pajama Jeans.) On the weekends I often wear it with the black skinnies mentioned above, and on weekdays I’ll  throw it over my work dresses instead of a blazer. Boom. Stylish, easy, and comfortable.

3. Rogue Creamery Oregon Blue Cheese

Oregon Blue2014 will go down in history as the year I learned to like blue cheese. I’ve always thought I hated the stuff, and it wasn’t until I tried Rogue Creamery’s Oregon Blue that I realized not all blue cheese has to taste like crusty gym socks. Go figure. This stuff is super mild and buttery, and every time I’m at the creamery I pretty much eat an entire wheel in free samples. I’m honestly kind of shocked that they haven’t posted my picture with a DO NOT SERVE sign behind the counter.

4. Threshold Seersucker Comforter Set

White comforterI love me some crisp, white bedding, and I looked at comforters for months before settling on this set from Target. Between my habit of drinking coffee in bed and the fact that the cat likes to be all up in our grills when we’re sleeping, I was kind of afraid that it wouldn’t hold up well. Turns out, it washes up nicely and still looks nice and new almost a year later. Plus, it’s currently on sale for 30% off!

5. Converse ‘Shoreline’ Sneakers

Converse ShorelineI’ve been a lifelong lover of Converse, and the new Shorelines are the best. It’s amazing how some slight modifications make them so much better – I used to avoid wearing mine with crops or skirts due to the dreaded clown-feet look, but these look awesome with both. They’re the perfect classic, casual sneaker and I think everyone should have at least one pair.

6. Anthropologie Inside Out Bowls

Anthro bowlsI have several of these scattered throughout the house to catch all the clutter that randomly accumulates throughout the day: car keys, earrings, bobby pins, etc. I suppose it would be cheaper to just stop being a slob, but then I wouldn’t have an excuse to keep buying cute little bowls.

7. Slow Cooker Liners

Slow cooker linersMaybe everyone else already knows about these and I was the last person to find out, but OH MY GOD, do they make life easier if you use a Crock Pot often.

8. Sally Hansen Insta-Dri Fast Dry Nail Color

Insta DriI have a really hard time sitting still while waiting for my nails to dry, so I picked up a bottle of this stuff at Rite Aid one day on a whim. This is now my new favorite polish; I even like it better than Essie (gasp!). It dries within a minute, and I never get those little air bubbles that always seem to form when I do my nails at home.

9. Elephant Wall-Mounted Bottle Opener

Elephant Bottle OpenerNo beer-lover’s home is complete without a wall-mounted bottle opener, and this whimsical little elephant makes me feel a little less bad about cracking open a second bottle on a weeknight.

10. Sugar Paper 2015 Daily Planner

Sugar Paper PlannerFor years I’ve used my Google Calendar to run my life, but I forgot how good it feels to cross things off a list. This sucker is big (8.5×11″), which means you have plenty of space to lay out your daily tasks. Plus, it’s pretty.

My wish list for 2015 involves some bigger ticket items – a new dining set and landscaping, for starters – so my plan is to nix the impulse buys a bit this year. What’s your favorite thing you bought in 2014?

High Five for Friday

Greenhorn

1. Eating lunch outside during that glorious one-month period of the year where it’s in between “pleasantly warm” and “I can actually feel my eyeballs sweating.”

Fried in maple sausage grease. Because duh.

Fried in maple sausage grease. Because duh.

2. My friend is hooking me up with fresh eggs from her chickens and they are SO GOOD. We’d like to get some hens eventually (we can have up to five within city limits), but we need to figure out our backyard plans first.

Bread Pudding

3. This bread pudding from Porter’s. I had them package half of it up to take home with me, and then I ate it out of the box the second we got home. #suchrestraint #muchclass

Spaghetti squash

4.  I didn’t feel like making dinner one night, so I heated up some leftover spaghetti squash and topped it with avocado basil sauce. Just combine a large avocado with 1-2 garlic cloves, 1 tablespoon olive oil, 4-5 fresh basil leaves, and a pinch of salt in a food processor and blend until smooth.

Via Instagram

Via Instagram

5. Dave and I went wine tasting in Southern Oregon with a group of acquaintances last weekend. A few thoughts: 1) Turns out, I really like Bordeaux-style wines. 2) Southern Oregon is so pretty, and we should all live there. 3) Pretentious people are really fun to watch, and I WILL mock you on my blog, should you decide to brag about your palate being able to discern what kind of soil the grapes were grown in.

What were your highs this week?

Life Lately

What’s up guys? I just figured I’d take a break from being the worst blogger ever and post a little life update since it’s been almost a month since my last post.

House Stuff
If you follow me on Instagram, then you know we’ve been looking at backsplash options, since our kitchen walls have looked like this for 11 months now:

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OK not exactly like this. We did move the crowbar to the garage.

(Click here if you’re wondering why we removed perfectly good tile backsplash.)

After looking at all of the wall tile in all of the land, we finally narrowed it down to four options:

tile

I decided the top left option is my number one pick – the little silver pieces are stainless steel, which I think will look awesome with our stainless appliances. I was really excited because it’s on sale, only I found out later that it’s on sale because it’s been discontinued. CRISIS. Luckily, the contractor we hired said he just did a job last week with similar tile, and said he’ll go over to their house and ask where they got it. And just like that, he became my new favorite person. He also may have convinced us to replace our kitchen counters as well. We want to go with dark countertops and paint our cabinets white, sort of like this:

I kind of want to replace our sink with an undermount model, but I also kind of want to continue being able to afford groceries, so we’ll see if that happens.

Work
I mentioned a while ago that I started writing part-time for a beauty/fashion/lifestyle blog – I’ve been doing that on top of working full-time at my marketing job, and I’ve also been doing some consulting work for a really cool wearable tech company (you’ll hear more about that soon!). On one hand, I’ve become really busy and have neglected this space a bit. On the other hand, the extra income is allowing us to make some fun home improvements and start a travel fund. Ireland/Scotland 2015!

Fitness
Confession: I’m kind of burnt out on running, and I haven’t run more than 2 miles since my 10-miler in April.

Ann+on+Jogging

Oh Ann, you beautiful spinster.

For the last month or so, I’ve been lifting weights and getting my cardio in the form of treadmill sprints/elliptical machine. I really enjoy the variety of working a bunch of different muscle groups, as opposed to just … running for hours at a time. I’ve also noticed that while distance running helps me manage my weight (and offset my beer consumption), it doesn’t do much for overall toning/firming. Which, let’s just say, has become more of a necessity the closer I get to 30. (T-33 days, BUT WHO’S COUNTING.)

My favorite strength routines right now are on FitnessBlender. Give these a try if you’re looking to get into weights but don’t know where to start! And don’t be afraid to use heavy weights – if you’re not juicing up, you’re probably not going to wind up looking like She-Hulk:

Butt & Thigh Workout

Total Body Strength + Cardio Intervals

Upper Body + Core

So that’s pretty much it. I will try to post a bit more often here, but if you’re really missing daily pictures of beer/my cat/cheese products, feel free to follow me on Instagram.

Liebster Award!

So I got word on Sunday that Shauna over at Momma Candy nominated me for a Liebster, which is like a totally major blogging award.

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Source   OK it’s not MAJOR. It’s like, in between “Leg Lamp” and “Winning $10 on a Scratcher” on the Bullshit Award Spectrum I Just Made Up.

You probably should go check out Shauna’s blog right now, because she’s really funny and she likes all the good (read: trashy) TV shows that I do. Sometimes she posts delicious recipes, and sometimes it seems like she steals words right out of my brain, like this awesome post she wrote about the “Ban Bossy” campaign. (I was going to write my own post about it, but instead I watched 10 hours of “Breaking Bad.” Apparently they should have banned the word “lazy” when I was a kid.)

And now I’m going to stop writing the LONGEST INTRO EVER and tell you how the Liebster Award works.

Liebster Badge

The Rules:

1. Thank the person who nominated you, and post a link to their blog on your blog.

2. Display the award on your blog.

3. Answer 11 questions about yourself, which will be provided to you by the person who nominated you.

4. Provide 11 random facts about yourself.

5. Nominate 5-11 blogs to receive the award.

6. Create a new list of questions for the bloggers to answer.

7. List the rules in your post.

8. Inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster Award and provide a link to your post so they can learn about it if they haven’t heard of it.

Speaking of bossy, THAT’S A LOT RULES FOR AN AWARD, LIEBSTER CREATOR.

Anyway. Here are my answers to the 11 questions from Shauna:

1. What makes you laugh?

Dave makes me laugh every day. There is this scene from one of the early seasons of The Office where Michael doesn’t want to talk to Darrel so he just mouths words and pretends like he’s talking, and he tilts his head back and flares his nostrils and just BELIEVE ME it’s funny. So now when one of us doesn’t care about what the other person is talking about we make that face and I realize that this sounds SO DUMB but it cracks me up every time. Unfortunately I’ve found myself starting to do it in meetings, which is not as funny.

2. Are you passive or aggressive? Or passive aggressive?

I’m ALWAYS polite to peoples’ faces, even when they’re being assholes, but then when they leave I’ll mock them and sometimes even blog about them. I guess that makes me passive aggressive. And kind of a bitch. I should probably work on that.

3. Tell me how much you love TV. Oh, it has to be a question? What do you love on TV right now?

I love ALL THE THINGS on TV. We actually don’t have satellite, so we watch everything a year behind on Netflix. Right now I’m most invested in Breaking Bad, but we’re also intermittently watching Bates Motel, American Horror Story, and every single documentary I see about ancient Egypt, because I like learning about mummies. I also can’t wait for the next season of Orange is the New Black.

4. What’s your favorite snack food? Salty or sweet?

My favorite snack food is CHEESE, so I’ll go with salty.

5. What quality do you detest about people on Facebook? Dish!

People who overshare. I do not need to see pictures of your child’s shit, your dog’s shit, ANY TYPE OF SHIT, your open wounds,  your surgery, your in-grown toenails, or your nipples. All things I’ve seen on my feed.

6. What’s your favorite candy?

Milky Way Midnight and Yorks, depending on my mood.

7. How do you indulge? How do you spoil yourself?

Retail therapy. I enjoy it so much that I should probably look into actual therapy. Thankfully, I’m super paranoid about having good credit, so it doesn’t ever get out of control.

8. What would someone have to do for you to unfriend/unfollow them on any social media platform?

Say anything racist, homophobic or routinely post pictures of shit and/or blood. Also, can everyone make a pact to stop taking those “What ___ are you” quizzes and then acting like your results contain some deep insight into your personality? (I will admit that I took the “What Downton Abbey Character Are You” quiz one day when I was bored and got Dowager, Countess of Grantham, which is pretty accurate.)

9. What’s your favorite line from a movie?

I quote movies incessantly so there is no way I can pick just one favorite. Here’s one that I say whenever I need a break from work: “I’m going to the nut shop where it’s FUN.” QUICK, NAME THAT MOVIE.


10. What was the last movie you saw? Did you like it?

Dave had “Click” on in the background yesterday morning while I was getting ready. Did I like it? I don’t know, I wasn’t really paying attention. I did happen to catch a scene where Adam Sandler farts in the face of David Hasselhoff, and it might have been funny if it wasn’t such an apt metaphor for both of their careers.

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11. What’s your favorite holiday and why?

Probably Thanksgiving. I like Christmas, but it always ends with that “aww, it’s over” feeling. But after Thanksgiving it’s like WHOO, GET OUT THE CHRISTMAS CRAP! Also: stuffing.

Now it’s time for 11 random facts about myself, apparently. I’ll try to keep them interesting to make up for the fact that this is the longest blog post in the history of the Internet.

1. My first word was “jerk,” and I’m proud to say that I even used it in context (somebody cut my mom off on the freeway and she had to slam on her brakes).

2.  I don’t want kids, ever.

3. I grew up riding horses, and traveled all over to compete throughout high school.

4. I play the banjo (I’m also terribly rusty at the moment).

5. One time I inadvertently wound up working for a religious cult and didn’t realize it until a few weeks later when I was asked to accompany the “President” into a room so he could “call my spirit out and talk to it.” The sad thing is that I kept the job for like three more months because I had just graduated from college and needed the money. My Google chat logs from this time period are hilarious.

6. I can’t roll my “r”s no matter how hard I try.

7. I have really irrational anxiety over flushing toilets – for some reason I’m terrified of them overflowing. If I’m in a new place I have to do one test flush to make sure everything is in working order. The downside of that plan is I’m pretty sure people assume I’ve taken a poop big enough to warrant two flushes.

8. I hate peanut butter.

9. I like to let my cereal sit in the milk for at least 10 minutes so it gets nice and soggy. This is especially good with Grape Nuts and Cinnamon Life.

10. I lived in LA for like five years, and the most famous person I ever saw was Danny DeVito. Sadly, this was pre-It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, so I didn’t even get to appreciate it at the time.

11. I’m mega-addicted to my morning cup of coffee. If I don’t have it, I get a debilitating headache and turn into a monster. Not necessarily in that order.

Now it’s time to nominate some blogs!

I’m actually having a hard time thinking of blogs that haven’t already done the whole Liebster thing … If you’re on this list and have already done this, feel free to ignore it!

8littlepaws – Awesome recipes, good book/TV recommendations, house projects, and cute cats. Basically, everything you could possibly want in a blog.

A Little Glitter – Pamela is on a mission to make the world sparkle and posts lots of pretty clothes and shoes. She had me at “glitter.”

The Weights and Measures – One of my old coworkers recently started this blog about her weight loss journey, and even though this is a little more frivolous than what she usually posts, I happen to know she has a frivolous side!

I’ll be honest: This is way more effort than I normally put into a post, so I’m going to go ahead and steal most of Shauna’s questions instead of write my own. I’ll change a couple so I’m not totally plagiarising:

1. What makes you laugh?

2. What’s the dumbest thing you’ve ever done?

3. Tell me how much you love TV. Oh, it has to be a question? What do you love on TV right now?

4. What celebrity would you most like to meet, and why?

5. What quality do you detest about people on Facebook? Dish!

6. What’s your favorite place you’ve ever been?

7. What is your favorite band/singer?

8. What would someone have to do for you to unfriend/unfollow them on any social media platform?

9. What’s your favorite line from a movie?

10. What was the last movie you saw? Did you like it?

11. What’s your favorite holiday and why?

Thanks again for nominating me, Shauna!

 

High Five for Friday

I logged in last night to write this post and was shocked when I saw that my last update was on Monday. I totally thought I had blogged more than that this week. Turns out, I suck. Also, that should give you some idea of what it feels like inside my brain right now. I’m just hoping today goes by quickly and that I don’t have to interact with anyone in any way. So … basically like every other day of my life.

Lucille gif

Me, whenever my phone rings.

And now for my Friday High Five:

1. It finally warmed up this week, and one night I decided to catch up on some freelance work outside on the deck while Dave smoked cigars. It was super peaceful until our neighbor came outside with her kid and proceeded to scream profanities at it for the duration of the evening. In her defense, maybe her kid is actually named “little shit.” I don’t know her life.

Deck

2. My sister was visiting my parents this week, so I took Wednesday off work and drove down to meet my newest nephew, Theodore:

TheoOn all accounts he is very calm and hardly ever fusses, so it’s no surprise that he started crying shortly after I picked him up and continued on and off for the rest of the day. I also enjoyed spending some time with his big brother Josh, who is pictured below housing some delicious Target popcorn while waiting for his chocolate milk at Starbucks. He clearly takes after Aunt Heather:

Josh

3. In addition to shoveling popcorn down my gullet at Target, I also bought a table runner:

RunnerI’m weirdly excited about it, considering it’s … a piece of cloth draped across a table.

4. I also bought this skirt at Target. It’s a super soft material, which means that I’ve basically discovered a socially acceptable way of wearing sweats to work. It’s probably only a matter of time until I bring home a pair of Pajama Jeans.

Skirt

5. I’m running the 10-miler at Medford’s annual Pear Blossom event tomorrow, and I’m simultaneously excited and nervous. I’m nercited. My last three runs have been horrible, probably because everything is blossoming and I can’t breathe, so it stands to reason that running 10 miles through blooming pear orchards might actually make my lungs explode. I’ve even had a couple nightmares about it, and when I texted my friend Sarah about them yesterday she was super encouraging.

Sarah

If I don’t post at all next week, it’s probably because I’m lying helpless in a ditch somewhere along the course. And on that upbeat note, happy Friday!