Tag Archives: humor

2017

Happy new year!

Everyone I know is excited to sweep 2016 under the rug and usher in 2017, and while I agree that 2016 sucked in a lot of ways (RIP, EVERYONE COOL), I am having trouble getting excited about 2017. First of all, I’m still trying to wrap my head around what life in the U.S. will be like under our new president-elect.

jabba-the-trump

I know Star Wars is all trendy right now, but maybe we should have drawn the line at electing a giant, slimy worm-man as the leader of our country, AMERICA.

 

Policies aside, my face morphs into the scream-face emoji whenever I think about having to look at that mug for the next four years.

Oh, ALSO I just found out that the next season of Westworld won’t be released until 2018, which means no new episodes in 2017, which means 2017 is officially trying to ruin my life.

I’ve decided that since 2017 is shaping up to be kind of dumb, my resolutions should be kind of dumb too. So here they are:

Take better care of my skin
First of all, I’m aware that needing to make this a resolution means I’m a garbage human. I totally admit that I’m terrible about my skin. I do wear sunscreen every day because I’m pale and if I don’t I’ll get a sunburn from the lightbulbs in my office, but basically I just use makeup remover wipes at the end of the day and that’s the extent of it. I don’t even use a moisturizer because literally every single one I’ve tried makes me break out, and I’m too lazy to go to a dermatologist and explore why that might be.

That said, I’ve decided that I have to get my skin care routine together because I’m 32 and if I don’t I’m going to look like Jabba the Trump by the time I’m 40. Dave’s parents got me a Clarisonic Plus for Christmas, which I am super excited about. (Maybe they really like me, or maybe that was their way of saying, GET IT TOGETHER, LEATHER FACE.) I’ve only been using it for a week and my skin already feels so much smoother. I’ve got a small breakout situation on my chin, but I’ve heard that often happens when people first start using it, so I’m pushing through in the hopes that it’ll make me in age in reverse like Jennifer Aniston. Oh, and I’ve also been using eye cream. I don’t really know if it’s doing anything, but I feel really responsible when I put it on, so.

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If it doesn’t work I may do this.

Stop being a pussy
Whenever I complain about the workouts at CrossFit, my friend Kate yells, “DON’T BE A PUSSY.” This usually gets me to stop whining out loud, but that doesn’t mean I stop complaining in my mind – I’m really bad about controlling my inner dialogue when workouts get spicy. So many of the workouts we do are meant to be just as challenging mentally as they are physically, and I’d like to get better about pushing through feelings of discomfort and learning to be, as my coach puts it, “comfortable with being uncomfortable.” (Unless my form is suffering or I feel actual PAIN, which is different than just feeling out of breath or tired.) I’ve heard repeating mantras can help; maybe mine should be “DON’T BE A PUSSY.”

Avoid chipped nail polish
I TOLD YOU THESE WERE DUMB. I like having painted nails, but I can’t ever seem to make it more than 24 hours without chipping my polish. Gel manicures last a long time, of course, but they get expensive and also they make my nails really thin and gross. Enter: Essie Gel Couture.

essie-gel-couture

I got some of this for Christmas, and it lasted through a whole week, including CrossFit! I’m on day seven and have a few minor chips that you can’t really see unless you get really up-close – I’m calling that a huge success. Plus, it’s super easy to use – you just apply two coats of color and then one coat of the topcoat. No UV lights are required, AND it comes off with regular polish remover. If I were a professional manicurist, I’d be afraid that this stuff would put me out of a job.

I think three is enough. So now you tell me some things: What are your goals for 2017? Did you achieve your goals for 2016? Do you have any thoughts about why moisturizer gives me pizza face? Do you hate me now because I made fun of Trump?

 

It’s Been Quiet Around Here

1_7_15_Tea

Oh hey, welcome to my view for the last four days: the couch, a furry blanket, and lots of tea. Dave’s been sick with a nasty cold for the last week, and on Saturday I came down with it too. And, OK. Normally I consider myself pretty tough in the face of sickness and pain; my surgeon even commented on it when I was about to be wheeled in to have my appendix removed last summer. Him: On a level of 1-10, what’s your current pain level? Me: 3, but we could make that a 2 if you slip me a Milky Way Midnight after surgery. Him: …

Anyway, this cold. Actually, I’m not sure it’s even a cold. It started out like the flu: dizziness, stomach ache, a ridiculous fever that made me hallucinate Ryan Lochte sitting on my hearth at one point. I knew it was time to take some meds when I started wondering if maybe Ryan is actually a really smart dude playing a big performance art joke on the U.S. with his mind-numbing stupidity, like the time Joaquin Phoenix tried to convince us he was a homeless rapper.

Source

Source Clearly the face of a closeted genius trying to pull one over on the country.

After Lochte came the cold symptoms: sore throat, pounding headache, mucus all the time, everywhere. And I was like huh, maybe this is just a really bad cold after all. And then the fever came back, and by this point Dave and I hadn’t showered or moved off the couch in like three days and basically resembled vagrants you’d see getting cuffed on COPS, only smellier and with dirtier hair. By Tuesday I thought I was over the worst of it: my throat felt better, my fever was gone, and I made it through a full day of work. And then yesterday I woke up, tripped over the cat on the way to the kitchen, and realized when I tried to swear at him that I had no voice.

Fortunately, I was able to work from home Wednesday and let my voice rest a bit. I’m currently drinking a lot of tea and hoping my ability to speak comes back quickly, since a big part of my job involves, you know, talking to people. Also because it is EXCRUCIATING to not be able to impress Dave with my constant witticisms. (Note: I’m not sure “excruciating” is the word he would use for this new development.)

Do you have any home remedies for a lost voice besides boatloads of tea? It’s getting way too quiet around here …